is it me or what

[brideoffrankenstein]

So my mum just asked me to make her a brew, and the phrase she used was "any chance of a brew?" but the thing is she always asks this in a plaintive way, and it makes me feel like she's being passive aggressive and saying "you should have made me a brew ten minutes ago but I guess I have to ask"

and I said yeah and stood up, fully intending to be cross on my own time, and then I thought "well, I feel like I've become healthier after talking through the way I phrase things with Book, so I'm going to try and talk things over with my mum and maybe start to help her unpack one or two things about how she asks things, make sure she knows that she's allowed to just ask rather than circle around"

So I did. I said to her that she's allowed to just ask; she said "but you might be busy"*, i said "but you asking me like that feels passive aggressive, it doesn't feel like you're accepting I might be busy", and she said "that's about you though, not me" and then "well how would you like me to ask?" and I said "well you can just say "hey can I have a brew?" and then added "if you're not busy" and she said "but that's what I'm saying, just in different words! It's semantics!"

and I saw then that we were just going to argue so I kind of went "well" and walked off, admittedly a bit frustratedly, and she went in a cross tone "oh, just leave it" and I said "I hadn't meant to argue, I'm not pissed off" and she just repeated "leave it" and then when I headed to the kitchen to make said brew she repeated herself and said "I don't want a brew"

and now I feel frustrated and more cross than if I'd just kept my stupid mouth shut, and I don't know if it was semantics and I was being unreasonable or whether she was?

Like the reason I was asking in the first place is because I want to /help/ her, and I can see my mental health problems in hers (hers in mine?) and I just wanted things on the table, openness, you know? part of me wonders if I accidentally triggered something, too, but trying to analyse my mum's mental health got me in this mess so, ugh

*Ironically I've never in my life felt she cared whether I was busy when she wanted something

Comments

[ohveda]

I don't know your Mum, so my analysis might be off, but... It sounds to me like she might just need some time to digest the conversation. I think it's good that you brought it up, and hopefully she'll take the message on board and soon start using the new phrasing without any more prompts.

[shadaras]

I think that what you said to her makes sense, and that she didn't take it well. From what you've said about your mom, that's not very surprising, but I'm glad that you felt good enough to ask her to change her words to say what she actually means. :) good luck!

[roadmagician]

yeah sometimes parents are... a different kettle of fish. I've been to therapy, and I've suggested my mother go before, because she SO clearly has the same anxiety disorder I do and would benefit, but she doesn't want to. some things people just have to learn themselves, and it's even more difficult when it's family because you're closer to the issue.

[zenolalia]

In my experience, parents are entrenched in their behaviors with their children in a way you don't really see most anywhere else. It's a kind of unique dynamic, if only in sheer scake.

For literally decades, they've been authorities over their kids, both for the child's safety and the parent's convenience. Because children have relatively simple behavior patterns, your parents have had an insane amount of time with "input a, output b" type interactions with you.

When input a then gets output c, it's a very deep, jarring change. Even when output c is (as is the case here), objectively a healthier and more effective response. It's new, it's unusual, and it's coming from their kid. It's simultaneously a threat to something valuable, and defiance from something they feel they know intimately and perfectly.

Even without a history of mental illness in the parent, a sudden change in dynamic (in this case a change from silent and obedient, to interactive and egalitarian) is likely to get a really disproportionate response.

Add in a history of illness or abuse and shit gets wild really fast.

People like patterns. And dislike changes.

Still, it's not "just semantics." If it was, then your mother could easily change her words.

What it is, is her prioritizing her speech habits over your emotions. Which she's allowed to do, but it's pretty fucking shitty of her to do it without admitting that's what she's doing.