In my experience, parents are entrenched in their behaviors with their children in a way you don't really see most anywhere else. It's a kind of unique dynamic, if only in sheer scake.
For literally decades, they've been authorities over their kids, both for the child's safety and the parent's convenience. Because children have relatively simple behavior patterns, your parents have had an insane amount of time with "input a, output b" type interactions with you.
When input a then gets output c, it's a very deep, jarring change. Even when output c is (as is the case here), objectively a healthier and more effective response. It's new, it's unusual, and it's coming from their kid. It's simultaneously a threat to something valuable, and defiance from something they feel they know intimately and perfectly.
Even without a history of mental illness in the parent, a sudden change in dynamic (in this case a change from silent and obedient, to interactive and egalitarian) is likely to get a really disproportionate response.
Add in a history of illness or abuse and shit gets wild really fast.
People like patterns. And dislike changes.
Still, it's not "just semantics." If it was, then your mother could easily change her words.
What it is, is her prioritizing her speech habits over your emotions. Which she's allowed to do, but it's pretty fucking shitty of her to do it without admitting that's what she's doing.
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winterfish
no subject
Date: 2019-01-31 09:20 am (UTC)For literally decades, they've been authorities over their kids, both for the child's safety and the parent's convenience. Because children have relatively simple behavior patterns, your parents have had an insane amount of time with "input a, output b" type interactions with you.
When input a then gets output c, it's a very deep, jarring change. Even when output c is (as is the case here), objectively a healthier and more effective response. It's new, it's unusual, and it's coming from their kid. It's simultaneously a threat to something valuable, and defiance from something they feel they know intimately and perfectly.
Even without a history of mental illness in the parent, a sudden change in dynamic (in this case a change from silent and obedient, to interactive and egalitarian) is likely to get a really disproportionate response.
Add in a history of illness or abuse and shit gets wild really fast.
People like patterns. And dislike changes.
Still, it's not "just semantics." If it was, then your mother could easily change her words.
What it is, is her prioritizing her speech habits over your emotions. Which she's allowed to do, but it's pretty fucking shitty of her to do it without admitting that's what she's doing.