is it me or what

[brideoffrankenstein]

So my mum just asked me to make her a brew, and the phrase she used was "any chance of a brew?" but the thing is she always asks this in a plaintive way, and it makes me feel like she's being passive aggressive and saying "you should have made me a brew ten minutes ago but I guess I have to ask"

and I said yeah and stood up, fully intending to be cross on my own time, and then I thought "well, I feel like I've become healthier after talking through the way I phrase things with Book, so I'm going to try and talk things over with my mum and maybe start to help her unpack one or two things about how she asks things, make sure she knows that she's allowed to just ask rather than circle around"

So I did. I said to her that she's allowed to just ask; she said "but you might be busy"*, i said "but you asking me like that feels passive aggressive, it doesn't feel like you're accepting I might be busy", and she said "that's about you though, not me" and then "well how would you like me to ask?" and I said "well you can just say "hey can I have a brew?" and then added "if you're not busy" and she said "but that's what I'm saying, just in different words! It's semantics!"

and I saw then that we were just going to argue so I kind of went "well" and walked off, admittedly a bit frustratedly, and she went in a cross tone "oh, just leave it" and I said "I hadn't meant to argue, I'm not pissed off" and she just repeated "leave it" and then when I headed to the kitchen to make said brew she repeated herself and said "I don't want a brew"

and now I feel frustrated and more cross than if I'd just kept my stupid mouth shut, and I don't know if it was semantics and I was being unreasonable or whether she was?

Like the reason I was asking in the first place is because I want to /help/ her, and I can see my mental health problems in hers (hers in mine?) and I just wanted things on the table, openness, you know? part of me wonders if I accidentally triggered something, too, but trying to analyse my mum's mental health got me in this mess so, ugh

*Ironically I've never in my life felt she cared whether I was busy when she wanted something

Comments

[brideoffrankenstein]

Thank you so much, this made me feel so much better. It's hard to know sometimes if she's overreacting or if I am, and it's really nice to see such a supportive response. I think you're absolutely right about why she reacted how she did, and I think I'm a bit more prepared for similar situations now. Thanks!