![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Um.....some. Issues I guess.
Aug. 25th, 2020 09:43 amHi everyone,
So, uh, sorry for not catching up/replying to everyone yet, a lot's been going on emotionally and I needed to save my spoons a bit. This post is not gonna be about these issues this is about something else that I am white-hot angry about. I am gonna lay out everything I'm comfortable saying, as accurately as I can, and then the rest is gonna come at the end.
> Keats and I are in a certain fandom.
> We are aware of a couple bnfs in this fandom, and over time we become friends with one of them who is theirself friends with a few others.
> We start chatting as a group and Keats and I are pulled not unwillingly, into an RP game with S, E, B and B's wife (also E, so E2), and a couple others.
> None of us know E well and for several months they stayed in character in all our interactions. In the meantime, Keats and I are becoming closer friends with B and E2.
> E is known for long disappearences. We come to know some things about them, which are...specifically detailed, but in some ways a bit wild.
> B and E2 start having relationship issues. We discover that something happened between S, B and E2 that suggests that S was keeping secrets from B and E was complicit. It's plain something really weird is going on, but we largely figure that S is being kinda shady and B isn't helping the situation.
> Keats, me, B and E have a chatroom of our own. S is not present in any of our group chats, but he and B have been talking a lot because B often talks about S being manipulative and there being no line between his character and him. E seems sensible about what's going on, though we know they and S were in some sort of relationship that ended badly.
> Keats, me and E also have our own chatroom, in which we talk about all kinds but sometimes the situation between B and E2, and the situations with S. I, for my sins, start to get a bit of a crush on E.
> Slowly, over time, this crush gets bigger and when Keats was visiting me we asked E if they would like to meet up. They say yes, but ghost us completely. As this is not unusual behavior, nor inconsistent with what they've told us of their mental health issues, we're very upset and disappointed but stay friends.
> Things stay largely as they are, which is to say - filled with large gaps and strange timings, exhaustingly dramatic, with the chatroom with me, Keats, and E the calmest part of it, even when E is often away for months at a time. Sometimes we get pulled along with the wedges that get shoved between B and E, who appeared to argue a lot but which was presented to us, by E, as difficult but emotionally caring, "I've been where you are" conversations, and the wedges that happen between B and several other people.
> There is, intermingled with this, drama, wherein another RP person, cast as B as rather unpleasant in a young sort of way and which seemed accurate to our independent observations, hacked E's private tumblr account and made them worry for their safety, as they had been doxxed before. They also received a lot of racial abuse, and later there was a very intense drama with a wholly different account on tumblr who was posting fandom memes that were kinda racist.
> things seemed to largely calm down, and eventually E stopped replying in our chat at all. B had, for no apparent reason as far as I recall, blocked Keats on tumblr, went wholly into another fandom, and is now...well. I'll explain in a minute.
I can't remember everything that happened, and I feel tbh like all of it was a complete dream. So some of this will be...I don;t think any of it is innaccurate, but there'll be things I'm missing.
Anyway, recently, Keats said to me that they'd been thinking, and they weren't entirely sure E ever actually existed at all. They wondered if E was a construction of either B's, or B and S's together, or just S's. I was shaken by this but I couldn't say dispute it because a) all the information about E came from E or B, all the information about S came from B and E, all the drama that happened came from things B and E said or said other people said, there were /no/ other independent confirmations of E as a person except two photograps, sent by them several months apart. E was supposedly living in the UK, but their timing was often weirdly in line with B's online presence, ie, very late at night for me, also living in the UK. Everything about the weirdness of B and E2's relationship was given to us through E. All the crap the rest of the fandom had perpetrated was also arriving to us through E. E and B seemed to live in a strange bubble of fandom where everything was intensely dramatic, full of anonhate and hackers and doxxers. In a tiny fandom. I didn't disbelieve it because other parts of the fandom were startlingly toxic, but looking back...so much we knew came through just the two of them. And E and B were apparently very close, and frequently skyping - E, who sent us two photographs months apart and nothing else - and E had visited S in [redacted American city] but ghosted me and Keats when we asked if they wanted to come say hey. Just like, incidentally, B and E2 ghosted us when the suggestion of them visiting us when I was in America came up.
I asked a friend of mine and Keats, when Keats said all this, who they thought was behind Apparently-E's tumblr RP blog, and they said they thought it was B, or maybe possibly S, but had no confirmation. They are close to B but not part of the drama, and another of their friends gave independent confirmation through them that S was a manipulating drama magnet.
-
That's everything I can currently get out (my head is foggy and a bit dissociaty because bad weather always sends my head wobbly). And the thing is, I am so fucking angry. I am so fucking angry, I feel crazy and stupid and lost, I feel like - at first we did think E was maybe B or S but that faded as we got to know E because they seemed so...it was such a long game. And I don't even know why and that's what's driving me mad. It's not like E ever asked for money or anything material or shit, so it's not like your usual internet-lying mo, it's just
What the hell was that. what The Hell. Did S or B find it fucking funny? Was it B's mental illness making them make shitty decisions and they got stuck and couldn't get out? Did B just want to know what we'd say when they weren't in the room? Was it S, just planting stupid fucking drama? I'm just so fucking angry, that the only person I ever really wanted a relationship with other than Keats was a fucking lie. That I spent so much emotional space and time on someone that was fake, on someone that was maybe laughing at me behind the fucking scenes. I can't even ask B because a) blocked b) can't fucking trust them, c) they're possibly extremely ill but I don't even know if that's true because we always knew B exaggerated so fucking much.
I'm so angry and I'm so angry that E broke my fucking heart and they didn't even exist and holy fuck I Know all the "watch out for people lying online" but you don't expect that from people who just talk to you and play RP games and read fic and banter back and forth about songs by The National with you! That whole, that whole time that I spent talking to them and those other friends doesn't even get to be sadly past now it's all fucking ruined and I can't even get answers. I don't even know if I want them. I know I want to - I want to rip into B and scream at them until they explain, and I'm so white-hot angry that I know I shouldn't, and I just. I don't understand what happened. I don't understand why. I feel like everything about my whole existence in that fandom was manipulated and twisted, and I'm angry because it means so much to me, and now it feels tainted, and I know that'll fade but I'm so god damn angry.
I remember one time, before we were friends with B, that I made a post about a certain character and why I disliked a certain headcanon about that character. And according to B, they were sent that post, by - we thought - S, who said something like "look at this shit" and B actually disagreed with S and thought I was right. I hurt about that for months, knowing that someone I had interacted with, would say something like that about something I was passionate over. I am now even more hurt, knowing that that might be the same person* whose avatar I was half in love with.
*even though B seems more likely.
ETA: have checked. One piece of recent what-read as intense exaggeration is apparently, potentially true. Don't know if that means the current illness is, but anyway like. I can't ask anyway. Just clarifies that the current situation is more likely true, not all the other bullshit.
So, uh, sorry for not catching up/replying to everyone yet, a lot's been going on emotionally and I needed to save my spoons a bit. This post is not gonna be about these issues this is about something else that I am white-hot angry about. I am gonna lay out everything I'm comfortable saying, as accurately as I can, and then the rest is gonna come at the end.
> Keats and I are in a certain fandom.
> We are aware of a couple bnfs in this fandom, and over time we become friends with one of them who is theirself friends with a few others.
> We start chatting as a group and Keats and I are pulled not unwillingly, into an RP game with S, E, B and B's wife (also E, so E2), and a couple others.
> None of us know E well and for several months they stayed in character in all our interactions. In the meantime, Keats and I are becoming closer friends with B and E2.
> E is known for long disappearences. We come to know some things about them, which are...specifically detailed, but in some ways a bit wild.
> B and E2 start having relationship issues. We discover that something happened between S, B and E2 that suggests that S was keeping secrets from B and E was complicit. It's plain something really weird is going on, but we largely figure that S is being kinda shady and B isn't helping the situation.
> Keats, me, B and E have a chatroom of our own. S is not present in any of our group chats, but he and B have been talking a lot because B often talks about S being manipulative and there being no line between his character and him. E seems sensible about what's going on, though we know they and S were in some sort of relationship that ended badly.
> Keats, me and E also have our own chatroom, in which we talk about all kinds but sometimes the situation between B and E2, and the situations with S. I, for my sins, start to get a bit of a crush on E.
> Slowly, over time, this crush gets bigger and when Keats was visiting me we asked E if they would like to meet up. They say yes, but ghost us completely. As this is not unusual behavior, nor inconsistent with what they've told us of their mental health issues, we're very upset and disappointed but stay friends.
> Things stay largely as they are, which is to say - filled with large gaps and strange timings, exhaustingly dramatic, with the chatroom with me, Keats, and E the calmest part of it, even when E is often away for months at a time. Sometimes we get pulled along with the wedges that get shoved between B and E, who appeared to argue a lot but which was presented to us, by E, as difficult but emotionally caring, "I've been where you are" conversations, and the wedges that happen between B and several other people.
> There is, intermingled with this, drama, wherein another RP person, cast as B as rather unpleasant in a young sort of way and which seemed accurate to our independent observations, hacked E's private tumblr account and made them worry for their safety, as they had been doxxed before. They also received a lot of racial abuse, and later there was a very intense drama with a wholly different account on tumblr who was posting fandom memes that were kinda racist.
> things seemed to largely calm down, and eventually E stopped replying in our chat at all. B had, for no apparent reason as far as I recall, blocked Keats on tumblr, went wholly into another fandom, and is now...well. I'll explain in a minute.
I can't remember everything that happened, and I feel tbh like all of it was a complete dream. So some of this will be...I don;t think any of it is innaccurate, but there'll be things I'm missing.
Anyway, recently, Keats said to me that they'd been thinking, and they weren't entirely sure E ever actually existed at all. They wondered if E was a construction of either B's, or B and S's together, or just S's. I was shaken by this but I couldn't say dispute it because a) all the information about E came from E or B, all the information about S came from B and E, all the drama that happened came from things B and E said or said other people said, there were /no/ other independent confirmations of E as a person except two photograps, sent by them several months apart. E was supposedly living in the UK, but their timing was often weirdly in line with B's online presence, ie, very late at night for me, also living in the UK. Everything about the weirdness of B and E2's relationship was given to us through E. All the crap the rest of the fandom had perpetrated was also arriving to us through E. E and B seemed to live in a strange bubble of fandom where everything was intensely dramatic, full of anonhate and hackers and doxxers. In a tiny fandom. I didn't disbelieve it because other parts of the fandom were startlingly toxic, but looking back...so much we knew came through just the two of them. And E and B were apparently very close, and frequently skyping - E, who sent us two photographs months apart and nothing else - and E had visited S in [redacted American city] but ghosted me and Keats when we asked if they wanted to come say hey. Just like, incidentally, B and E2 ghosted us when the suggestion of them visiting us when I was in America came up.
I asked a friend of mine and Keats, when Keats said all this, who they thought was behind Apparently-E's tumblr RP blog, and they said they thought it was B, or maybe possibly S, but had no confirmation. They are close to B but not part of the drama, and another of their friends gave independent confirmation through them that S was a manipulating drama magnet.
-
That's everything I can currently get out (my head is foggy and a bit dissociaty because bad weather always sends my head wobbly). And the thing is, I am so fucking angry. I am so fucking angry, I feel crazy and stupid and lost, I feel like - at first we did think E was maybe B or S but that faded as we got to know E because they seemed so...it was such a long game. And I don't even know why and that's what's driving me mad. It's not like E ever asked for money or anything material or shit, so it's not like your usual internet-lying mo, it's just
What the hell was that. what The Hell. Did S or B find it fucking funny? Was it B's mental illness making them make shitty decisions and they got stuck and couldn't get out? Did B just want to know what we'd say when they weren't in the room? Was it S, just planting stupid fucking drama? I'm just so fucking angry, that the only person I ever really wanted a relationship with other than Keats was a fucking lie. That I spent so much emotional space and time on someone that was fake, on someone that was maybe laughing at me behind the fucking scenes. I can't even ask B because a) blocked b) can't fucking trust them, c) they're possibly extremely ill but I don't even know if that's true because we always knew B exaggerated so fucking much.
I'm so angry and I'm so angry that E broke my fucking heart and they didn't even exist and holy fuck I Know all the "watch out for people lying online" but you don't expect that from people who just talk to you and play RP games and read fic and banter back and forth about songs by The National with you! That whole, that whole time that I spent talking to them and those other friends doesn't even get to be sadly past now it's all fucking ruined and I can't even get answers. I don't even know if I want them. I know I want to - I want to rip into B and scream at them until they explain, and I'm so white-hot angry that I know I shouldn't, and I just. I don't understand what happened. I don't understand why. I feel like everything about my whole existence in that fandom was manipulated and twisted, and I'm angry because it means so much to me, and now it feels tainted, and I know that'll fade but I'm so god damn angry.
I remember one time, before we were friends with B, that I made a post about a certain character and why I disliked a certain headcanon about that character. And according to B, they were sent that post, by - we thought - S, who said something like "look at this shit" and B actually disagreed with S and thought I was right. I hurt about that for months, knowing that someone I had interacted with, would say something like that about something I was passionate over. I am now even more hurt, knowing that that might be the same person* whose avatar I was half in love with.
*even though B seems more likely.
ETA: have checked. One piece of recent what-read as intense exaggeration is apparently, potentially true. Don't know if that means the current illness is, but anyway like. I can't ask anyway. Just clarifies that the current situation is more likely true, not all the other bullshit.
