gender stuff
Apr. 25th, 2019 05:02 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
brideoffrankensteinSo, uh, I know this is a bit of a crappy post to come back on (though remains to be seen if i stay back - rsd is one heck of a drug) but I've been kinda...struggling. A bit. There've been a few posts I've thought of making recently, about dressing fem when you're of a masc-leaning gender as a kind of camoflage, as a way of controlling what people see when they look at you, and about the strangeness of what transmeds have decided dysphoria can be, that it has to be about your chest or your genitals and if you don't feel bothered by those things you're not dysphoric, even if you have trouble with the shape of your hips, the width of your shoulders. It doesn't "count" if it's not one of the Big Two.
And I was going to approach these from a, a loudly, self-assuredly nonbinary perspective. They were going to be on tumblr and there was going to be a general sense of fight-me about it.
And now I just...I don't know any more. I feel like I don't deserve that nonbinary identity. It doesn't upset me regularly, not in and of itself. I don't feel, exposed, or vulnerable. I don't know if what I do feel (the eternal sense that I should be broader, sharper-framed, taller) is gender stuff or just body image issues. I figure if I wanted to be those things and were thinking of them in a woman's body that would be body image issues but maybe i've just been talking about myself as a man for long enough that it's affected that.
I don't want, I think, medical transition. I don't know if I want very much social transition either. And that makes it difficult, and makes me feel in pain, because doesn't it make me just a woman? Shit, that's still hard to type. I used to not even be able to say the word when I was a kid and now I can say it, kind of, but typing it is hard.
I took my name and pronouns off my tumblr bio. Partly because the other week some stuff happened and I didn't want to risk my parents finding it, but also because of this.
I don't like that the only time gender stuff makes me hurt and vulnerable is when I'm at risk of losing it, and I want to hold it close inside myself and, idk, /keep it/ there, and that feels...I don't know. I feel like existing in the shape I am, just the shape, should bother me, and that I should want more strongly to make that visible to people, and that it should niggle at me reliably when I'm wearing fem clothes, and I'm just, I feel wrong and lost and fake and like I should just go back to calling myself a girl.
And I was going to approach these from a, a loudly, self-assuredly nonbinary perspective. They were going to be on tumblr and there was going to be a general sense of fight-me about it.
And now I just...I don't know any more. I feel like I don't deserve that nonbinary identity. It doesn't upset me regularly, not in and of itself. I don't feel, exposed, or vulnerable. I don't know if what I do feel (the eternal sense that I should be broader, sharper-framed, taller) is gender stuff or just body image issues. I figure if I wanted to be those things and were thinking of them in a woman's body that would be body image issues but maybe i've just been talking about myself as a man for long enough that it's affected that.
I don't want, I think, medical transition. I don't know if I want very much social transition either. And that makes it difficult, and makes me feel in pain, because doesn't it make me just a woman? Shit, that's still hard to type. I used to not even be able to say the word when I was a kid and now I can say it, kind of, but typing it is hard.
I took my name and pronouns off my tumblr bio. Partly because the other week some stuff happened and I didn't want to risk my parents finding it, but also because of this.
I don't like that the only time gender stuff makes me hurt and vulnerable is when I'm at risk of losing it, and I want to hold it close inside myself and, idk, /keep it/ there, and that feels...I don't know. I feel like existing in the shape I am, just the shape, should bother me, and that I should want more strongly to make that visible to people, and that it should niggle at me reliably when I'm wearing fem clothes, and I'm just, I feel wrong and lost and fake and like I should just go back to calling myself a girl.
no subject
Date: 2019-04-29 02:56 pm (UTC)Hugs, about the similar experiences, and thank you so much <3 I'll almost certainly write the other stuff up some time, they're ideas I keep coming back to so I think they need writing out just so my brain will shut up!