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brideoffrankensteinI was, thinking about some stuff while I was washing up just now and, well, listening to sad playlists I shouldn't be listening to.
But the thing is, I miss her. I started out thinking about it because I was thinking about the ship I rp'd with her and how much I missed that, and I thought I was fine, but I started thinking too much about her and now here I am, venting embarrassingly because I miss her and I never, we never, none of us, got closure.
It was never really a relationship; I don't honestly know where one thing ended and another began. She and I were both projecting enormous amounts into our characters, and so it's all so, so blurry. I can't even put my finger on now where my feelings for her ended and my character's for hers began. But life imitates art, I guess.
That's what got me thinking - how our characters had these long blocks of silence between these short and explosive togethernesses. A year, or around about a year, isn't long, compared to how it would go for them. But here I am, a year after a vague strange stretch of /something/, and I feel echoy with how much I miss her.
I'm a different person now. I suspect she is. I also suspect it would never have been the healthiest thing in the world (again, life imitates art). I think of her, often, but I try to let it pass without talking about it because sometimes it's like I can't breathe. I don't like to talk about it. It feels weird talking about it when, when it was happening, it was a three way thing, and now here I am just. talking, to the void, and not knowing how anyone else feels. Oh, I can guess how Book feels. I know they miss her too. But I think - if I've read between the lines right - they've put some of the work into getting over her that I haven't been really able to yet.
I haven't been able to do that work because I feel as though, if I just hold on to her, she's safe. I feel as though, if I just hold on to her, she'll come back, safer and happier and healthier, and we can have something again. I feel like anything could happen if I let her go properly. If I stop feeling like this, periodically. If I consign her to the past rather than keeping her in some vague undefined future. Part of me wants to believe she's seeing this.
I looked at the last few messages she sent me, just now, to check my dates. I feel sick. I don't even know if she's alive, still. I wouldn't try to find her and I don't want to. I suspect she's still around, somewhere.
I wouldn't even know if she talks to the rest of our old friend group. I don't talk to them any more. That whole period of my life - I would have thought it hadn't happened, if Book wasn't still with me. I...I want to say I miss the group too, but I don't, not really. I miss how I felt, but we weren't healthy for each other, I don't think.
I still daydream about finding her again; about running into her, about getting coffee, about it all coming out. It's silly but that's what I'm like; I'm silly and ridiculous and it took me years to get over the last girl that broke my heart a little, so it'll take a while longer yet to get over her, too.
I hope she'd be proud of where I am now. I hope she's happy, or as close as she can be to it. I hope she's looking forward to things, and I hope she's safe. I still hope, somehow, that she'll come back. It doesn't look likely.
But the thing is, I miss her. I started out thinking about it because I was thinking about the ship I rp'd with her and how much I missed that, and I thought I was fine, but I started thinking too much about her and now here I am, venting embarrassingly because I miss her and I never, we never, none of us, got closure.
It was never really a relationship; I don't honestly know where one thing ended and another began. She and I were both projecting enormous amounts into our characters, and so it's all so, so blurry. I can't even put my finger on now where my feelings for her ended and my character's for hers began. But life imitates art, I guess.
That's what got me thinking - how our characters had these long blocks of silence between these short and explosive togethernesses. A year, or around about a year, isn't long, compared to how it would go for them. But here I am, a year after a vague strange stretch of /something/, and I feel echoy with how much I miss her.
I'm a different person now. I suspect she is. I also suspect it would never have been the healthiest thing in the world (again, life imitates art). I think of her, often, but I try to let it pass without talking about it because sometimes it's like I can't breathe. I don't like to talk about it. It feels weird talking about it when, when it was happening, it was a three way thing, and now here I am just. talking, to the void, and not knowing how anyone else feels. Oh, I can guess how Book feels. I know they miss her too. But I think - if I've read between the lines right - they've put some of the work into getting over her that I haven't been really able to yet.
I haven't been able to do that work because I feel as though, if I just hold on to her, she's safe. I feel as though, if I just hold on to her, she'll come back, safer and happier and healthier, and we can have something again. I feel like anything could happen if I let her go properly. If I stop feeling like this, periodically. If I consign her to the past rather than keeping her in some vague undefined future. Part of me wants to believe she's seeing this.
I looked at the last few messages she sent me, just now, to check my dates. I feel sick. I don't even know if she's alive, still. I wouldn't try to find her and I don't want to. I suspect she's still around, somewhere.
I wouldn't even know if she talks to the rest of our old friend group. I don't talk to them any more. That whole period of my life - I would have thought it hadn't happened, if Book wasn't still with me. I...I want to say I miss the group too, but I don't, not really. I miss how I felt, but we weren't healthy for each other, I don't think.
I still daydream about finding her again; about running into her, about getting coffee, about it all coming out. It's silly but that's what I'm like; I'm silly and ridiculous and it took me years to get over the last girl that broke my heart a little, so it'll take a while longer yet to get over her, too.
I hope she'd be proud of where I am now. I hope she's happy, or as close as she can be to it. I hope she's looking forward to things, and I hope she's safe. I still hope, somehow, that she'll come back. It doesn't look likely.
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Date: 2019-02-22 01:43 am (UTC)All of which is to say it's not the same for me as it is for you, and you ought not compare yourself to me, because we have different emotional landscapes. Also, give yourself time.