brains are stupid and i hate them

[brideoffrankenstein]

So. A while ago, I complained to Book about how my parents can be weirdly dismissive of Acheivements that I've managed, like, I know I've got it pretty good because they're open about being proud of me and they're supportive and they're confident in my abilities and stuff but they also let acheivements pass like "oh we knew you'd get an A end of story". I think the time i'm actually talking about was when I'd finished my MA, finished classes handed in dissertation, and there was a hug and an oh well done and then life proceeded as normal. And I said to Book about how selfish it made me feel, because it would have been nice to go out for lunch or go for icecream or something, but also, one shouldn't need to be Bought Things to feel like one did something worth doing. It's not the first time that happened, either, I got really upset post-MA because graduating undergrad didn't get anything other than a hug and an oh well done either. I just wanted something, and I don't know what but I wanted to feel like they thought I'd done something special, something worthy, rather than what they expected of me. It's not like I wanted to acheive something they didn't think I could, I just always feel like I only just reach their expectations and nothing is special.

It's also always followed by a "okay what's the next thing" conversation, like "are you going to apply for a PhD" or "So when are you going to publish an article", and it just makes me feel like I'll never do anything that's going to make things stop, that's going to allow me to rest on my laurels for thirty damn seconds.

In response to all this ridiculous bullshit, Book said they'd take me to dinner after my MA grade came through. Which was yesterday. And all day yesterday, up until we went out, I was fighting with myself. I suggested to Book about lunchtime that we wait, and have a double celebration after they've finished finals. I convinced myself that if we went out they were going to spend the whole time struggling (with the atmosphere, with finding something they liked on the menu, with the other customers), and that if we went out after their finals, I could make sure they were having a good time and concentrate on them and turn all the above feelings into looking after Book and get rid of them that way. It just felt so selfish to have something that was for me.

Of course here I'm doing Book an enormous disservice by presuming they'd react to "restaurant they didn't choose" the way my mother does, or be constantly on the lookout for a reason to blacklist a new place the way my mother does. I know that's unfair but it's hard to overcome those expectations.

When we actually got there I was fine, I was alright, I had nice food and a good time and I also had fresh-fresh dougnuts for the first time which were utterly fantastical. I just - I didn't have the spoons to talk about this last night, but I wanted to, because if I leave these things in my head unwritten (cue Natasha Bedingfield) they go all acidic and. yeah. I don't have a way to end this other than "the sky didn't fall down when something happened that was for me", but the sky didn't fall in.

Comments

[shadaras]

I'm so glad that Book took you out, and that you had a good time -- trying to dismantle shitty parental stuff like that is hard, but it's great that you're aware of it and trying (in whatever tiny ways!) to do so. You definitely deserve good things that are just for you, and I hope you get more of them as time goes on. <3

Also? Congrats on finishing your MA and getting grades back! That's an awesome accomplishment, and regardless of what you do next I hope you have (or had?) the time to pause and be glad that you did that.

[brideoffrankenstein]

Thank you so much. this means a lot <3

[anthosmia]

Oh I really relate to that whole feeling selfish about receiving things that are just for you. Good on you for pushing on through that, I think it's more important than we realise!

[owloflspace]

I've had similar experiences with my parents, and I'm glad you got to do something for yourself and enjoyed it.