OSDD1 Thoughts
Nov. 9th, 2023 06:19 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
brideoffrankensteinSo I've repeatedly, over the past couple of years for sure but probably periodically just Through Life, felt that I wished that there was some kind of intermediary stage between Has DID and Doesn't Have DID, because I felt very certainly that I did not have DID, but also felt that I
didn't entirely not Have DID. There is this thing, as it happens, which I did not know about until a month or two ago. More recently it started to become a bit of A Thing, I think mainly because I'm living with Book now, and feel less intensely masked/emotionally buried, plus they feel more able to tell me things like "you're acting strange" and "sometimes you seem like a different person".
I don't know why I'm talking about this right now. Book is having a video appointment and I am here for moral support but I can't focus on work because it's very brainpowery. I guess I just want to have some place to talk about these things that I can be a be a bit more longform than tumblr, because I'm trying to be more discreet there given......things.
So after a bit of Figuring and so on and so forth I'm softly thinking that I might have OSDD1. Book, and a friend of mine, both pointed out that there's nothing wrong with proceeding under that assumption if it helps, and so far it has helped quite distinctly. I don't have therapist access right now (hoping to change that in the new year), and I don't really trust that I will be able to get an NHS diagnosis given the process for ADHD that I went through. I'm also going to generally express things in more concrete terms than I necessarily mean because it's easier to read and express.
I just had to reload and lost some of this but it was all waffling anyway. The main players are thus:
Bow, who seems to be the current "base state". I don't like using "host" language because it seems like Bow wasn't always the the host, but that's essentially what's happening. He's almost always conscious, though not always, even if not actively fronting.
Tank, who is the first alter/emotional part/facet/whatever is going on that we identified. He's a lot quieter than Bow, less expressive, has a sort of "cooler", more level affect. He talks more deeply and moves in a different way. There's other things but those are the main points. He also seems to carry most of the dysphoria and other negative feelings. He, we think, was "host" when I/the body was a teenager.
Rutherford, who I described to Book as "a toddler that Bow and Tank accidentally adopted". He's not literally a toddler but he does seem very young, maybe six. He feels very emotionally aware, but he doesn't talk very well and gets easily confused and struggles to follow things. When he's fronting, I, Bow, tend to be able to take over some things, like texting. It's strange because it kind of (and I'm referring to instances from before I started seriously thinking about all this) gives this really sharp difference between body and the very "front" of my brain, and then this back part of my brain that feels like it operates on a different circuit.
There might be others who don't front; sometimes I hear thoughts that feel too secure or unanxious to be mine. But that could be some (non-alter) part of me, Bow, or it could be something else. I don't know yet.
I've been trying to work on going with these "moods" when they're around, or in other terms letting other parts front, but that can be a struggle a lot of the time because it means feeling like I'm giving up control. But I'm gradually getting better at mentally "feeling" the presence of these parts, which is kinda weird. Right now for example I can kinda feel Rutherford kind of bouncing around in there.
Talking to them is kinda weird. I don't know if I'm really doing it and I don't know how far they truly Can be talked to, but I'm trying because it seems like basic respect and I don't want to replicate the neglect I went through in my own head. Sometimes it feels like having a conversation and sometimes it just feels like orbs of feelings crashing into each other. Sometimes it feels like a vague Vibe coming from somewhere in my head.
When I, Bow, push myself to the front, it kind of feels like surfacing from something; I can't always do it though, and I can't intentionally take myself out of the front.
I dunno. I guess I'm done with this dumping now. Thanks for reading. I hope to say some other stuff when I can. Maybe Tank will want to post, idk.
didn't entirely not Have DID. There is this thing, as it happens, which I did not know about until a month or two ago. More recently it started to become a bit of A Thing, I think mainly because I'm living with Book now, and feel less intensely masked/emotionally buried, plus they feel more able to tell me things like "you're acting strange" and "sometimes you seem like a different person".
I don't know why I'm talking about this right now. Book is having a video appointment and I am here for moral support but I can't focus on work because it's very brainpowery. I guess I just want to have some place to talk about these things that I can be a be a bit more longform than tumblr, because I'm trying to be more discreet there given......things.
So after a bit of Figuring and so on and so forth I'm softly thinking that I might have OSDD1. Book, and a friend of mine, both pointed out that there's nothing wrong with proceeding under that assumption if it helps, and so far it has helped quite distinctly. I don't have therapist access right now (hoping to change that in the new year), and I don't really trust that I will be able to get an NHS diagnosis given the process for ADHD that I went through. I'm also going to generally express things in more concrete terms than I necessarily mean because it's easier to read and express.
I just had to reload and lost some of this but it was all waffling anyway. The main players are thus:
Bow, who seems to be the current "base state". I don't like using "host" language because it seems like Bow wasn't always the the host, but that's essentially what's happening. He's almost always conscious, though not always, even if not actively fronting.
Tank, who is the first alter/emotional part/facet/whatever is going on that we identified. He's a lot quieter than Bow, less expressive, has a sort of "cooler", more level affect. He talks more deeply and moves in a different way. There's other things but those are the main points. He also seems to carry most of the dysphoria and other negative feelings. He, we think, was "host" when I/the body was a teenager.
Rutherford, who I described to Book as "a toddler that Bow and Tank accidentally adopted". He's not literally a toddler but he does seem very young, maybe six. He feels very emotionally aware, but he doesn't talk very well and gets easily confused and struggles to follow things. When he's fronting, I, Bow, tend to be able to take over some things, like texting. It's strange because it kind of (and I'm referring to instances from before I started seriously thinking about all this) gives this really sharp difference between body and the very "front" of my brain, and then this back part of my brain that feels like it operates on a different circuit.
There might be others who don't front; sometimes I hear thoughts that feel too secure or unanxious to be mine. But that could be some (non-alter) part of me, Bow, or it could be something else. I don't know yet.
I've been trying to work on going with these "moods" when they're around, or in other terms letting other parts front, but that can be a struggle a lot of the time because it means feeling like I'm giving up control. But I'm gradually getting better at mentally "feeling" the presence of these parts, which is kinda weird. Right now for example I can kinda feel Rutherford kind of bouncing around in there.
Talking to them is kinda weird. I don't know if I'm really doing it and I don't know how far they truly Can be talked to, but I'm trying because it seems like basic respect and I don't want to replicate the neglect I went through in my own head. Sometimes it feels like having a conversation and sometimes it just feels like orbs of feelings crashing into each other. Sometimes it feels like a vague Vibe coming from somewhere in my head.
When I, Bow, push myself to the front, it kind of feels like surfacing from something; I can't always do it though, and I can't intentionally take myself out of the front.
I dunno. I guess I'm done with this dumping now. Thanks for reading. I hope to say some other stuff when I can. Maybe Tank will want to post, idk.
