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Aug. 6th, 2020 04:30 amKeats said to me a couple weeks ago, don't convert to Catholicism just because you're sad, and it was a bit of a joke but it also wasn't, because i /am/ sad and I wrote a fuckin book about medieval folks (who are, thus, Catholics) and we made a modern au version of those characters because - well because Keaten was special interesting and I wanted, want, an escape, into somewhere I feel safe, and as I've got deeper and deeper into my anxiety and started thinking about all the stuff I've been posting about, I wanted to feel safe even more, and I romanticise things and i know, I don't need telling, that organised religion is a bad place for me.
But this post wasn't really supposed to be about me and religion, it's only that I was reading one of the snippets of the modern au version just now and it made me think of something which sort of connects to the religion thing, which is that I just want to be safe, and held, and loved, and rescued, and to feel a sense of community. I've...a lot of those things, I could have had a while ago, but I - due to circumstances and very much more than partly due to the way I act out of trauma, those things are not right now accessible and I'm a bit sad about that but also like, i don't know, like, I have to at least try to get better and stop repeating, or make progress at fighting, the way I act out of trauma, because I know I've - I can't find a fair way to say this and I made a promise I wasn't going to pick up any figurative knives and stab myself with them so we'll leave it at like. It's hard to look after a man who kicks and bites when you touch him, especially when you're full of open wounds yourself. So he has to make an effort not to bite. And he has to make an effort to interpret that not as earning love, but mutual aid.
I guess there's something here about - wanting to be loved and looked after and handled gently is about wanting to be passive for a while, but I can't keep....idolising that as the way for me to recover because recovery is Hard and Takes Work and I know that, I've been through it with social anxiety (and then I developed a generalised anxiety disorder so THAT'S FUN but nevermind that that's not the point) I know it's hard, and I'm trying to be gentle with myself, because recovery....well, recovery for me takes a certain level of self-care, if not self-love, to get started. To react out of healthier places and not use things to stab myself all the damn time.
It takes self care, to put the knives down and keep them down. It takes self-confidence not to buckle and be passive. But I gotta show I can put my own bandages on, I guess. And ask for help when I can't, and let myself be helped.
But this post wasn't really supposed to be about me and religion, it's only that I was reading one of the snippets of the modern au version just now and it made me think of something which sort of connects to the religion thing, which is that I just want to be safe, and held, and loved, and rescued, and to feel a sense of community. I've...a lot of those things, I could have had a while ago, but I - due to circumstances and very much more than partly due to the way I act out of trauma, those things are not right now accessible and I'm a bit sad about that but also like, i don't know, like, I have to at least try to get better and stop repeating, or make progress at fighting, the way I act out of trauma, because I know I've - I can't find a fair way to say this and I made a promise I wasn't going to pick up any figurative knives and stab myself with them so we'll leave it at like. It's hard to look after a man who kicks and bites when you touch him, especially when you're full of open wounds yourself. So he has to make an effort not to bite. And he has to make an effort to interpret that not as earning love, but mutual aid.
I guess there's something here about - wanting to be loved and looked after and handled gently is about wanting to be passive for a while, but I can't keep....idolising that as the way for me to recover because recovery is Hard and Takes Work and I know that, I've been through it with social anxiety (and then I developed a generalised anxiety disorder so THAT'S FUN but nevermind that that's not the point) I know it's hard, and I'm trying to be gentle with myself, because recovery....well, recovery for me takes a certain level of self-care, if not self-love, to get started. To react out of healthier places and not use things to stab myself all the damn time.
It takes self care, to put the knives down and keep them down. It takes self-confidence not to buckle and be passive. But I gotta show I can put my own bandages on, I guess. And ask for help when I can't, and let myself be helped.
