update I guess, warning for dysphoria
Mar. 6th, 2020 05:51 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
brideoffrankensteinI don't really know why I decided to write a post. I opened my browser to work, and then suddenly was filled with an urge to. I guess then this is an update?
What was my last one. Right, yeah, the retrospective. Well, let's see. I, uh...well, I've been back at my parents almost two months. I'm having some...gender problems? about that? I keep having waves of overwhelming but undirected dysphoria, and last week I kept trying to she myself just to try and...undo it all, because it hurt. Plus I was having a hard time with feeling like I was existing too loudly, but that's slowly burnt off a bit. I'm still processing some of it, and I have waves, but they're softer.
I haven't made as much progress with editing the Novel as I wanted, but I'm about half-way through, so that's still not bad.
I've written another chapter of my phd dissertation, and this one was a lot better than my last. Dr Supervisor only had quite small comments to make so I'm pretty happy overall I guess. I do have to do some professional development shit before my next evaluation, so gotta be quicksharp on that. Maybe I also ought to see if I can fix up something to put up for publication? idk. Anyway it'd probably be something like an online digital humanities course, which i think I can manage.
My Paying Job is going okay; sent in my first invoice a few days ago.
So...resolutions. Mostly my reaction is hollow laughter. I've lost a lot of that...not even drive. Executive function? Idk. The chasing enthusiasms thing has been pretty impossible. The medical + brain stuff isn't moving, although I did get some blood-proof boxers to try and survive without collapsing. Job's been okay like I said, but I haven't been able to do quite as much as I wanted. It's still good, and anything is better than nothing. I also have carried on carving! I started before I left for America, and then recently I finally got my act together and carried on. I was carving before I logged on but my hands got sore and I have a perpetual returning blister so, it's typing time.
What was my last one. Right, yeah, the retrospective. Well, let's see. I, uh...well, I've been back at my parents almost two months. I'm having some...gender problems? about that? I keep having waves of overwhelming but undirected dysphoria, and last week I kept trying to she myself just to try and...undo it all, because it hurt. Plus I was having a hard time with feeling like I was existing too loudly, but that's slowly burnt off a bit. I'm still processing some of it, and I have waves, but they're softer.
I haven't made as much progress with editing the Novel as I wanted, but I'm about half-way through, so that's still not bad.
I've written another chapter of my phd dissertation, and this one was a lot better than my last. Dr Supervisor only had quite small comments to make so I'm pretty happy overall I guess. I do have to do some professional development shit before my next evaluation, so gotta be quicksharp on that. Maybe I also ought to see if I can fix up something to put up for publication? idk. Anyway it'd probably be something like an online digital humanities course, which i think I can manage.
My Paying Job is going okay; sent in my first invoice a few days ago.
So...resolutions. Mostly my reaction is hollow laughter. I've lost a lot of that...not even drive. Executive function? Idk. The chasing enthusiasms thing has been pretty impossible. The medical + brain stuff isn't moving, although I did get some blood-proof boxers to try and survive without collapsing. Job's been okay like I said, but I haven't been able to do quite as much as I wanted. It's still good, and anything is better than nothing. I also have carried on carving! I started before I left for America, and then recently I finally got my act together and carried on. I was carving before I logged on but my hands got sore and I have a perpetual returning blister so, it's typing time.
