gender stuff

[brideoffrankenstein]

So, uh, I know this is a bit of a crappy post to come back on (though remains to be seen if i stay back - rsd is one heck of a drug) but I've been kinda...struggling. A bit. There've been a few posts I've thought of making recently, about dressing fem when you're of a masc-leaning gender as a kind of camoflage, as a way of controlling what people see when they look at you, and about the strangeness of what transmeds have decided dysphoria can be, that it has to be about your chest or your genitals and if you don't feel bothered by those things you're not dysphoric, even if you have trouble with the shape of your hips, the width of your shoulders. It doesn't "count" if it's not one of the Big Two.

And I was going to approach these from a, a loudly, self-assuredly nonbinary perspective. They were going to be on tumblr and there was going to be a general sense of fight-me about it.

And now I just...I don't know any more. I feel like I don't deserve that nonbinary identity. It doesn't upset me regularly, not in and of itself. I don't feel, exposed, or vulnerable. I don't know if what I do feel (the eternal sense that I should be broader, sharper-framed, taller) is gender stuff or just body image issues. I figure if I wanted to be those things and were thinking of them in a woman's body that would be body image issues but maybe i've just been talking about myself as a man for long enough that it's affected that.

I don't want, I think, medical transition. I don't know if I want very much social transition either. And that makes it difficult, and makes me feel in pain, because doesn't it make me just a woman? Shit, that's still hard to type. I used to not even be able to say the word when I was a kid and now I can say it, kind of, but typing it is hard.

I took my name and pronouns off my tumblr bio. Partly because the other week some stuff happened and I didn't want to risk my parents finding it, but also because of this.

I don't like that the only time gender stuff makes me hurt and vulnerable is when I'm at risk of losing it, and I want to hold it close inside myself and, idk, /keep it/ there, and that feels...I don't know. I feel like existing in the shape I am, just the shape, should bother me, and that I should want more strongly to make that visible to people, and that it should niggle at me reliably when I'm wearing fem clothes, and I'm just, I feel wrong and lost and fake and like I should just go back to calling myself a girl.

Comments

[bookhobbit]

A few things.

1. Truscum are mindless bootlickers who just want cis approval and nothing they say can be trusted.

2. The trans experience isn't suffering. Being nb is about your internal sense of self; you don't have to transition or feel dysphoria. I have an agender mutual who doesn't care on any level about gender, pronouns, etc, but i wouldn't call her cis because of it, or even a girl. She's made absolutely no changes and i don't think she's socially transitioning, but she's still nb.

That's the thing. Our whole position of "you can't tell someone's nb just by looking" is FOR people like that. You don't have to change anything about yourself. You don't have to even socially transition. The nb experience MUST encompass all possible gender presentations, and just because you dress femme while having a dfab body doesn't exclude you. It's important that the definition of nb includes you, because otherwise we're just creating a new gender role.

3. If it hurts to call yourself a woman or girl, you're probably not one.

4. If you *feel* vulnerable and hurt when you're in danger of losing your gender, you're not cis and it's not worth trying to be cis.

5. Gender euphoria is also a trans experience, and I know you feel that, I've seen it, it's beautiful.

6. Your gender doesn't have to be visible - again see "you can't tell when someone's nb". You can keep it as a secret for yourself or only use it in particular contexts if that's what you want.

7. Your discomfort with your body is specifically gendered, and "I want to be taller and broader-shouldered" isn't typical cis woman's body image stuff. You're perfectly free to call it dysphoria, therefore, given that it stems from the same mismatch as, say, top dysphoria does, just in a different arena. You don't have to. But you're allowed.

[shadaras]

<3

I think that being so uncomfortable saying/typing 'woman' is a pretty reasonable marker of not being one.

You definitely don't need to fit into the Proper Tumblr Definition of being nonbinary or dysphoric or whatever in order for those words to still apply to you! You can use them because they make you feel good, or they are meaningful for other reasons! It's fine.

[bluebaron]

Seconding the other comments.

If it helps, even as a binary trans man I have experienced doubt and hurt and pain related to not having the quote-unquote "correct" trans experience.

Gender is, in my experience, tied to body image as well. The way you're describing it, the sense of wrongness about the body you inhabit isn't "I perceive myself as unattractive and I want to be what I perceive an attractive woman to look like," it's "the shape of my body is not correct and I have echoes of how it should be." I'm given to understand that cis people with body image issues tend more toward changing the existing body rather than replacing it.

If you are experiencing pain from calling yourself a girl or a woman, that's a very, very strong indicator that you aren't a girl or a woman. I think it's very difficult to accustom oneself to a self-inflicted lie about something so fundamental. Being told by society, by your family, by media, as you grow up that you must feel a certain way because of your body or how you look in general is pervasive. Doubt happens a lot, especially in an environment where there's a lot of isolation and limited access to people being out and living their lives comfortably as themselves.

I'm sorry this is such a demoralizing thing for you. If you need anything, my PMs are open. Sending love and support <#

[owloflspace]

Apologies for being late with comments. I would like to say that 1) I agree with all the people commenting above, 2) a lot of that is really similar to my experience as well, so I feel you on that and 3) if you ever do want to write about the stuff you were talking about at the start, I'd be really interested, if that helps at all.