while the light lives yet

Early April Knitting Update

Mon, 08 Apr 2024 10:50:45 GMT

Hey, Tank here.

I'm going to do a table of contents and some cuts because this is probably going to be a long one. I'm fronting but some of these talking points are Bow's; I'll do my best to be fair to his points/ideas/so on.

1. Scheduling, format changes, thoughts on videos.

2. Thoughts on different kinds of projects re: mental health needs.

3. An actual knitting update.

1. Schedules and possible format changes

( Read more... )( Read more... )

2. Thoughts on mental health needs.

( Read more... )

3. The actual update

Here's a picture of the Strata from last time:

[A picture of a blue v-neck vest top]

I also finished the Hands Cardigan:

[Tank, who is identical to Bow except he isn't making a facial expression, is wearing a green cardigan with a white hands motif; the fingers travel around the edge of the cardigan.]

I did finish it in time for the food festival, but it was tight because I ended up having to lengthen the sleeves - that I then didn't Really have to lengthen because they grew in blocking. The fit of it is not great; there's a lot of extra fabric in the back and under the arms. I suspect that I could have just followed the raglan increases as written, rather than trying to increase to the number of stitches given in pattern [although I also now know a better technique for that]. It's fun to wear and I like it a lot despite its flaws.

I didn't end up casting on the Souffle when the Hands was done. Instead I cast on a Rebecca Clow Tolsta Tee, partly because I wanted to be able to post about it a lot on instagram and through that maybe get on her Tolsta camisole test, which I really want to do. Partly I want to have the experience of testing, but mainly I want the camisole. I don't wear them much but have felt the need for one recently and I have a lovely pink silk that I think would be great. However, after fighting with the Tolsta for two days (I kept twisting the cast on) Rebecca announced that she's releasing a bust shaping update, which I'm interested in, so the Tolsta is on hold until the update.

To tide me over, I cast on my Dad's socks:

[The start of a dark grey sock, with light grey stripes and the upper third of a rhino]

But these ended up more complex than expected because I did the colourwork too tight and I'm now not sure of my technique. It was pulled back after this picture and I started again.

Book and I recieved from my Mum this week a metric fucktonne of mainly cotton yarn, the colours of which inspired a cardigan design involving stripes and nupps/bobbles; I sampled that this month as well:

[A striped swatch in pink, red, green and peach, with a pattern of bobbles all over it]

It's going to go slow because there's a lot of work involved, but it's begun, which is nice. I'm going to go with wider stripes for the actual design.

My mum's stash of yarn also involved some yarn that I decided to use to make Dad's sweater, which is a different colour combination than I expected but will look good I think. The darker is going to be the main colour and the lighter the contrast. The lighter will also be held with a fluffy alpaca yarn to give a fuzzy airiness to the colourwork.

[A ball of light grey Drops Alpaca with a ball of dark grey-brown Drops Karisma]

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March knitting update, etc

Wed, 20 Mar 2024 15:21:34 GMT

So I did NOT come back with pictures, but that's okay. I'll keep trying to try to figure it out.

Anyway, progress update: I finished the Strata vest a few days earlier than intended (go me!). I think I might have made a couple of mistakes in the increases, because my armholes don't quite match and picking up the pattern's number of stitches wasn't really possible. But I don't think that shows really when you look at the whole thing. Overall, I thought the pattern was super easy to follow, the sizing information was easy to understand, and the result turned out nicely. I tried to find a bind-off that would have the look of a tubular bind-off but work for 3x1 rib, which I did, but it didn't turn out as nicely as I wanted, because it flared quite badly when worked loosely and on a larger needle as recommended. When worked tightly on the same size needle, it's lovely but not stretchy. I also have the best part of four balls of the Drops Alpaca left, so the yardage estimate was fairly generous (I made the largest size, full length, with B bust darts and only one row between the underarm and bust darts).

I'm back working on the Hands cardigan, in Drops Alaska. Working on this is a bit of a nightmare; I think the pattern (which was free) had the wrong version uploaded because there are parts that simply don't make sense, not in a poorly worded way but in a "you will not get the right result if you do this" way. I figured it out but there were knock-on stitch count issues which mean that it keeps being a bit of a fuss. It's also a mare because, okay, she says to work as much body as you like, and I wanted a cropped fit. I'm short waisted and from the underarm of the pattern to the waistline of my trousers is like, literally 8cm, and then there's a LOAD of edging, which would total more than 8cm if I did that to pattern. So I left that part on my needles, since I didn't know how much edging I wanted to work (I thought it wouldn't look proportional if I did it to patten). Then I picked up a sleeve, because I thought that would help figure out body lenth. But then I stopped THAT at the cuff as well, because proportional, and have picked up the next sleeve. I feel like I'm almost there with it, it's just two sets of needles, at least two balls of yarn, and a holding cable, and it's just a lot. I hope to have it ready to wear on March 30 because we're going to a food festival and I have the perfect outfit in mind. What I have left to do is: The majority of one sleeve, the cuffs for both sleeves, the hem, and the front edging.

I'm absolutely itching to start the Laura Penrose Souffle Blouse. I'm going to be monogamous and finish the Hands first, but I swatched for the Souffle a couple of weeks ago and can't wait to start it. I'm using Navia Alpakka in two colours held together, a yellow and a green that I can't remember the names for. This yarn was supposed to be for a cardigan Book was going to make for me, but they hated how their gauge swatch came out so I said I would make a blouse instead. I don't really have anything else for that except that it's a shiny project and I love it.

I also have some gift-giving plans. I've planned out a pair of socks for my dad for Fathers Day, which will be a mash-up of a Summer Lee sock pattern with a colourwork/intarsia chart for my dad's favourite animal, which will be in some superwash yarn in shades of grey; I don't know What yarn though. I'm going to buy enough of that yarn to also make some colourwork cat socks for Book. I'm hoping to be able to be working on one of those several socks when we go to see The Mountain Goats in May.

I've ALSO got plans to make my dad a sweater, probably for Christmas but maybe for his birthday, which will be the Sonder by Weichien Chan. I don't know what colours I'm going to make that in. Maybe something like the sample, maybe not. Either way it will be warmish soft natural kinds of colours.

Non-knitting things:

I would like to get at least one sewing thing out of my pile in the next few months. I don't know what that will be, but it will have to be something, because I want to make my Mum for Christmas the Norm and Nanette quilt (small version) by Elizabeth Hartmann, and I Should Not be adding more sewing to the pile without taking sewing off. I want it to be soon because I at least want to start the Legendary quilt, also by Elizabeth Hartmann, and to start THAT I need to have cut out the Luce trousers from Tauko 6 (?) because I'm piecing the Bigfoot block from my Luce offcuts. So I guess that means three things need to come off the sewing pile.

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Fri, 26 Jan 2024 09:40:01 GMT

Last night I had a Vision. I have been making my mum's Strata all week and keep thinking how much I've enjoyed the pattern and how fast it's gone, which makes me kind of want my own. Now, the Vision was of my dinosaur silk fabric made up into a big soft dramatic dress with a little golden vest over it [the dinosaur silk is blue green and gold. Will post a picture when I manage to figure out how].

When I bought the dinosaur silk, I also bought the Emporia Patterns Penelope dress, which I thought I would make the silk into. However, the fabric requirements on the Penelope were super vague and I wasn't sure I could actually do it, so I got all in my head about it. Then I made the Penelope up in some block print cotton, and I hated the process of making it because the pattern was just. not fun. But I love the dress so fucking much folks. I love it so much. I was still pretty sure I didn't have the yardage, but last night I was so hugely fixed on the idea of this big gathery dress with huge sleeves, that I thought I would just try to lay the pattern out on the fabric and See if I had enough. I'm pretty sure that I do! I think getting the kind of ankle length skirt I like out of it will be a bit of a struggle, but I think I can do it if I skip any skirt ruffles.

Mods I'm going to make: I'm going to cut the bodice without darts (not the official way. I'm just going to true the sideseams and waist seam up), and I'm going to draft a scoop neck rather than the original v-neck. As I said above I'm also going to skip the skirt ruffles.

I've also decided that I'm going to make the pink fabric with orange birds into the Aurelia blouse from Tauko 6. I'll come back and put a picture, but basically it's a slash-neck boxy blouse with big sleeves. I think I should have more than enough, and might be able to get trousers or shorts out of the rest if I'm extremely careful.

The William Morris canvas is going to become Chanterelle shorts, maybe with some slight mods. There are two views on the Chanterelle with two different ease levels and I'm thinking of seeing if I can make Chanterelle shorts with the ease level of View A, rather than the ease of View B, which is less. I'd also like to see if I can manage to do a flat front waistband with an elastic back, rather than fully elastic all the way around.

Also, Strata update coming this weekend! I know this must be pretty boring with no pictures but I promise I will try and get that to work.

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Make Nine 2024

Mon, 15 Jan 2024 12:54:49 GMT

Hi all,

So I don't normally partake in challenges like make nine and me made may, but I thought I would have a go this year, because I've been sewing for a little while now and I've also just picked up knitting again after, like, over a decade [minus two pairs of socks that I made at random points in the past six years or so].

Current WIPs:

Agnes Vest by Bethany Lynne: This was all but finished last year and just needs its ends weaving in. There are a lot of ends. This is liable to remain on the wip pile for seventeen more years. I was arrogant and naieve.

Hands Cardigan by The Flying Yak: This is on the needles as we speak, but is currently on hold in favour of another wip that has a hard deadline. It also keeps going in the naughty corner because of pattern reasons. I will have to review this when I've finished it because I have Thoughts (tm).

Strata by Jaqueline Cieslack: This is the current deadlined wip. I'm making it for my mum for Mother's day [the march one], and it's my first ever garment in 4ply and will be, when finished, the only time I've ever finished something in 4ply. I've cast on and frogged multiple 4ply projects but none have ever got this far. It's a bit of a trial by fire, but I know that if I'd picked another project that wasn't for my mum I would have no drive to finish it, but as it is I know for a fact that it will not beat me.

Baby quilt for my cousin's daughter: This is a paper pieced project and like all my paper pieced projects I'm designing it on the fly. It was supposed to be for christmas, but then I realised that I didn't have any drive to make my other cousin's children anything, and that felt a bit mean to give something to Elizabeth and nothing to Sid and Lavinia (all fake names). I'm not going to make anything for Sid and Lavinia, because my mum made a lot of stuff for Sid when he was born and his mother [the one of his parents who isn't my cousin] was kinda. what did you do that for. about it. So Elizabeth is getting a quilt for her first birthday instead.

Kaffe Fassett quilt: This needs quilting, but I wanted to try doing that by machine and my machine gave up the ghost and so I had to stop and now my hyperfixation on it has faded. It should be fairly quick though once I get going.

Sleeveless wrap top: This is something I drafted based on a dress I made last year. I finished it 90% of the way and then three things happened: I ran out of thread, I realised I'd missed a part of the seam in a really prominent spot, and my sewing machine broke down. The machine has been serviced now and I've accepted that it's okay to switch to a matching but not identical thread, but I haven't finished it because I'm scared I'll descover so many more issues.

Sleeveless long vest: I made this wrong. I self-drafted the pattern but didn't think through how the facing would attach and I did it wrong. It will be finished the second I unpick and redo the facing, but UGH.

Dinosaur top: This is another self-drafted stalled sewing project. Mainly it's stalled because I hate sewing with the fabric (weirdly stretchy cotton) but it's also stalled because of the aforesaid sewing machine breakdown and because I've changed my mind on what I want from the top now. I made the neck wider than I should have and I gave it trumpet sleeves, which now I'm not super sure about. I think I'm going to make a ruffle from scrap and sew that in at the neckline to make the neck smaller, and trim some of the excess off the sleeves. The process of doing the ruffle is going to be so annoying, but ehn. Actually I just realised I could buy a fuckton of green lace which might look nicer because then I won't have to figure out the directional print.

Future projects that I have all or most of the stuff for:

Forest Keys vest by Teti Lutsak: I'm really looking forward to this. It's another 4ply weight vest, but this time it's for me and it's covered in colourwork. The yarn is looking at me right now, but I have to get the Strata off the needles first.

Palazzo pants by Sasha Starlight: These are cut out of a lovely hot pink viscose, but have been sitting in my drawer since September, not out of any lack of desire to make them but because it got too cold to prioritise summery trousers. I have some issues with this pattern too; I'll review it when I'm done, but the main issue (product photos that misrepresented the fit) has now been fixed, so I'm not as mad as I was.

Materials that I would like to make up into Something but I don't know what yet:

Eight or so balls of the same cotton that I made my Agnes from.

A lot of hot pink cotton that was going to be a summer top and shorts, and was then going to be a wrap top and now who knows

3.5 meters of a yellow and pink Fabric Godmother viscose that I wanted to make into Sew Liberated Chanterelle trousers originally but now am contemplating making into a blouse.

3.5 meters of an entirely different pink viscose that was also intented to be trousers, but god knows.

4 meters of a dinosaur print silk that I'm terrified of cutting into.

One curtain-width of William Morris upholstry fabric I got from a charity destash sale and was going to make into shorts but keep thinking of making into a quilted vest top.

Six or seven meteres of 60" wide red wool that was going to be a Folkwear Travelling Suit but good god, the pattern grading was horrific. The skirt was as long as I am tall, because don't you know that every single fat person is taller than every single skinny person???

Some bright green viscose that was going to be Sasha Starlight trousers but accidentally got sunbleached in an annoying but salvageable way.

Patterns I would like to make:

Souffle by Laura Penrose: I've found a tangerine mohair I think would look lovely made up into this.

At least one blouse, which could be the Nautilus by Marilla Walker (sewing), one of my mods of the Sew Liberated Nocturne (sewing), or something like the Padolyst blouse by Teti Lutsak (knitting). Whether I sew or knit it will depend on how my current knitting fixation shakes out.

I don't know how many of them I'm going to make (or make into something), but I would at least like to finish my knitting and crochet projects and make at least one blouse, because tops are a bit of a hole in my wardrobe right now. If I do sew a blouse, or anything, it's going to be from stash. I really don't want to buy more fabric this year if I can at all help it, and I would like to have decent turnover of my yarn stash. Honestly sewing seems really Not Fun right now, but I hope that that will change at some point in the year.

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Thu, 11 Jan 2024 13:40:29 GMT

Life is a comedy.

July 3rd, two posts ago:

"Since I moved out, I feel like I've changed a lot.. Well, in fact, I feel like I haven't changed at all, but that's sort of why I'm posting"

"All of this feels very new to me, and yet every time I think about it, my eleven year old self appears, with his books of folklore and his broom skirts and his fantasy literature and a new, but discreet, love of folk music."

"I feel like a different person than I was in February, in many ways, all of them positive"

" I guess I just feel like I'm growing into the adult that eleven year old Bow wanted to be, and it's okay that I skipped over sixteen years in the middle."

November 9th, last post:

"So I've repeatedly, over the past couple of years for sure but probably periodically just Through Life, felt that I wished that there was some kind of intermediary stage between Has DID and Doesn't Have DID, because I felt very certainly that I did not have DID, but also felt that I didn't entirely not Have DID."

"[Tank], we think, was "host" when I/the body was a teenager."

I think the first set of thoughts fed into the second coalescing but also what a pair of posts to see next to each other.

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OSDD1 Thoughts

Thu, 09 Nov 2023 18:29:30 GMT

So I've repeatedly, over the past couple of years for sure but probably periodically just Through Life, felt that I wished that there was some kind of intermediary stage between Has DID and Doesn't Have DID, because I felt very certainly that I did not have DID, but also felt that I
didn't entirely not Have DID. There is this thing, as it happens, which I did not know about until a month or two ago. More recently it started to become a bit of A Thing, I think mainly because I'm living with Book now, and feel less intensely masked/emotionally buried, plus they feel more able to tell me things like "you're acting strange" and "sometimes you seem like a different person".

I don't know why I'm talking about this right now. Book is having a video appointment and I am here for moral support but I can't focus on work because it's very brainpowery. I guess I just want to have some place to talk about these things that I can be a be a bit more longform than tumblr, because I'm trying to be more discreet there given......things.

So after a bit of Figuring and so on and so forth I'm softly thinking that I might have OSDD1. Book, and a friend of mine, both pointed out that there's nothing wrong with proceeding under that assumption if it helps, and so far it has helped quite distinctly. I don't have therapist access right now (hoping to change that in the new year), and I don't really trust that I will be able to get an NHS diagnosis given the process for ADHD that I went through. I'm also going to generally express things in more concrete terms than I necessarily mean because it's easier to read and express.

I just had to reload and lost some of this but it was all waffling anyway. The main players are thus:

Bow, who seems to be the current "base state". I don't like using "host" language because it seems like Bow wasn't always the the host, but that's essentially what's happening. He's almost always conscious, though not always, even if not actively fronting.

Tank, who is the first alter/emotional part/facet/whatever is going on that we identified. He's a lot quieter than Bow, less expressive, has a sort of "cooler", more level affect. He talks more deeply and moves in a different way. There's other things but those are the main points. He also seems to carry most of the dysphoria and other negative feelings. He, we think, was "host" when I/the body was a teenager.

Rutherford, who I described to Book as "a toddler that Bow and Tank accidentally adopted". He's not literally a toddler but he does seem very young, maybe six. He feels very emotionally aware, but he doesn't talk very well and gets easily confused and struggles to follow things. When he's fronting, I, Bow, tend to be able to take over some things, like texting. It's strange because it kind of (and I'm referring to instances from before I started seriously thinking about all this) gives this really sharp difference between body and the very "front" of my brain, and then this back part of my brain that feels like it operates on a different circuit.

There might be others who don't front; sometimes I hear thoughts that feel too secure or unanxious to be mine. But that could be some (non-alter) part of me, Bow, or it could be something else. I don't know yet.

I've been trying to work on going with these "moods" when they're around, or in other terms letting other parts front, but that can be a struggle a lot of the time because it means feeling like I'm giving up control. But I'm gradually getting better at mentally "feeling" the presence of these parts, which is kinda weird. Right now for example I can kinda feel Rutherford kind of bouncing around in there.

Talking to them is kinda weird. I don't know if I'm really doing it and I don't know how far they truly Can be talked to, but I'm trying because it seems like basic respect and I don't want to replicate the neglect I went through in my own head. Sometimes it feels like having a conversation and sometimes it just feels like orbs of feelings crashing into each other. Sometimes it feels like a vague Vibe coming from somewhere in my head.

When I, Bow, push myself to the front, it kind of feels like surfacing from something; I can't always do it though, and I can't intentionally take myself out of the front.

I dunno. I guess I'm done with this dumping now. Thanks for reading. I hope to say some other stuff when I can. Maybe Tank will want to post, idk.

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Mon, 03 Jul 2023 11:37:41 GMT

Recently, I moved out of my parent's house (huzzah!). And since I moved out, I feel like I've changed a lot.. Well, in fact, I feel like I haven't changed at all, but that's sort of why I'm posting. For example, I've been wearing a lot of brighter colours, and gravitating to different things than I used to; different cuts and styles of clothes, primarily, but also my tastes in food have changed (I haven't eaten pasta in weeks and I'm fine with it, I eat twice as much fruit as before), I'm playing guitar again after over a decade, my music taste is shifting. I feel like a different person than I was in February, in many ways, all of them positive.

The reason why I'm posting about this, though, is that all of this feels like coming home to myself in a way I've seen other people talk about but never thought I would actually feel. I thought I would just keep jumping from one fixation to another, and never quite settle into each one. That might still be happening here, so I don't want to say "this is permanent" and then it not be, but this just feels different and encompases more of my life than these shifts have before.

I've been moving in a much more "hippyish" direction, with a lot of it. Not exclusively (I think "being drawn to neon and barbie pinks" is a different subculture) but overall moving in a direction that is at least somewhat....ren-faire. This morning while I was doing the dishes I was listening to Maddy Prior, for example, and I've been listening overall to a lot more fantasy and folk music [I want to learn to play Witchwood by Strawbs, but I need a capo. It's in the post]. I've also been finding myself feeling much more pagan than I did before, and feeling much more involved with paganism despite not having actually changed my practice yet.

All of this feels very new to me, and yet every time I think about it, my eleven year old self appears, with his books of folklore and his broom skirts and his fantasy literature and a new, but discreet, love of folk music.

None of that really went away, exactly, although a lot of it did - I stopped reading fantasy for a long while, just about when most of the YA fantasy at my local bookshop turned into dystopian romance - and while I never stopped listening to folk music, I was heavily ashamed of it, because my parents treated it like it was weird (despite they themselves listening to Emmylou Harris and Bob Dylan). I tried to "grow up" into different kinds of mildly alternative dressing, and eventually just wore tshirts and jeans.

But now I'm living with my spouse, who is supportive of every little thing I want to try and every little way I want to develop, and even seems to enjoy that I'm not as "adult", as "mature", as I grew up believing I should be. They've made a living environment in which I can be wholehearted about things, rather than having to hold back just in case my New Thing turns out to get me some weird looks from my parents.

This is very major to me, in ways I think that aren't especially obvious, because it's not just about encouraging me to re-read Dragonlance or whatever, it's also about the fact that they encourage me to try new fruits and don't get mad if I don't eat them all before they go bad. I don't know, I don't think I'm quite grasping what I wanted to say. I guess I just feel like I'm growing into the adult that eleven year old Bow wanted to be, and it's okay that I skipped over sixteen years in the middle.

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Hi again, everyone

Thu, 17 Feb 2022 20:06:24 GMT

Hi everyone!

It's been a while, huh. Some stuff has changed since last I posted, many, many, many years ago.

1) I like teaching now! Last time I posted on that was two whole Novembers ago, and while I hated the whole thing that semester, I picked up teaching the next semester on The Gothic and I had a really good time. I had some great students who got really into it and did some great essays that were really fun to read. (I'm the only person in the world who enjoys grading, apparently.) One poor, poor kid used buzzfeed as their main secondary source, which is so ludicrous that I'm cross with the kid, I'm cross with all the secondary school teachers who failed them.

2) My PhD is.....oof. Mm. Going okay, but also we're entering hustle time, which SUCKS, because my brain is broken. We're entering 'who do you want to be your external examiner' time and all my choices are bad or terrifying, and there is so much fucking work to do that i feel explodey. It's a good job I was planning on trying to get on ADHD meds soon.

3) Book has finally made an honest man of me (they contradict this), and we're working hard on getting them to the UK. (this is another reason point 2 sucks).

4) I finished that Star Quilt. Book's cat is currently sitting on it, because it's hers now. I also finished the Lancashire Quilt, which I didn't even manage to fully talk about on here yet but is massive and amazing and one of the best things I ever made. I hit my goal mentioned in the Star Quilt post of sewing stronger seams by hand; I've made a waistcoat, a dress, a pair of trousers, and a pair of stays all by hand since last September. Not in that order, though. My handsewing has improved so much, as have my patterning and other construction skills.

5) I'm mentally in a much better place. I'm not fantastic, but I went on birth control last year and it's really levelled me out. I used to be massively unstable for about a week and a half, maybe two weeks, every month, where I would be borderline suicidal out of nowhere. Now I don't have to deal with that any more, and bonus, I don't have to deal with periods either.

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Sun, 30 May 2021 13:22:34 GMT

So, this is gonna be a bit of a heavy post. Talk about mental illness under the cut.

( Read more... )

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A Musing on Agency.

Tue, 16 Feb 2021 13:46:32 GMT

One thing that has been really weighing on me lately is the question of agency. I keep feeling this sense of pressure, and this sense of entrapment, I suppose. It's not really about the pandemic. It's about the fact, I guess, that I've never spent this much time in my dad's company in my life. My mum, sure. I was homeschooled. I had years of being with her all the time, and I'm used to that. What I'm not used to is everything else.

It builds up in small ways. It's like: your father constantly misrepresenting your behaviour, not in a bad way as such, just in a way that makes you feel hidden. Saying that you must have really loved a sandwich because you had the remaining half so that it wouldn't go to waste. Saying "are you thirsty?" when you pass him after getting a glass of water. Saying "do you have a headache?" when you have a painkiller. Saying "I thought you liked hot curry?" when you went to get a glass of water in the middle of tea. Not asking how you wanted your eggs cooked and assuming you want them fried, and then admitting that he was assuming. Making a cup of tea while you're in the bath and not making you one - not even asking if you want one but you'll get out the bath to come get it, not asking if you'll be out of the bath soon. Assuming you want exactly the same things as your mother. Assuming the things you enjoy are the same things as your mother. Not letting you take a plate or a cup out of his hands and instead making you let him put it down - but taking things out of your hands when the situation is reversed. It's going into your room to sweep when he knows you hate people in your room. It's going into your space just to look out of the window. It's not telling you that he's in the process of putting lunch out so you have to rush to put your stuff away. It's when he puts your lunch down and then you move your stuff and he physically picks up the plate and moves it two inches closer to you - and you take a weird pleasure in moving it two inches back, because you hadn't actually finished putting your stuff away.

It's being talked to while you're working, no matter what. It's being asked if your partner is awake. If your partner got anything good at the shop. If your partner talked to you while you were in the bath. If you've spoken to your partner today. If you're working today. If you're not. It's assumptions like - like being asked about if your eggs are runny enough and saying you actually like them jammy and being told "well then you couldn't dip anything in them" and then every time after that you have eggs hearing "yay, I made it nice and runny!" when you specifically said that's not what you wanted. It's being asked every single meal if your food is okay while you eat it. It's hearing "[deadname's] laughing her head off over there" because you giggled at joke on a tv show.

I know they're all small. But there's so fucking many. And that's not even getting into all my mum's things - pick your feet up. what's that noise. what are you doing. come watch this video. why are there two towels on the towel rack. can you switch on all the lights, even the ones in rooms i'm not in. Take my plate. put this away. put that away. don't pick your lip. your poor beautiful perfect pretty little princess skin.

And - then when I try and explain why I feel bad. "I felt misrepresented and hurt by something dad said." "Well, he didn't mean it badly, so it doesn't matter."

I know. It doesn't matter. I ask for a specific simple lunch on a specific day so that I'm comfortably in time for my office hour. It goes on the schedule. And then the day comes around and I'm told we're actually having eggs on toast, isn't that wonderful?

It's things I used to like - getting a cup of coffee while I'm still in bed. Having pastries for breakfast on Sunday. Being pat on the shoulder when I get brought a cup of tea while I work - being turned into biting moments of being waited on.

And the reason it all bothers me so is - I can't think of a single thing in my life I control. I have to do certain things on certain days because of work. Stuff I'll get told off for if I don't do enough of, dad does before I can. It's where and when I get to do my hobbies. It's when I eat meals and what I eat. It's when I get up. It's when I clean my room, or do any chore at all. It's not just the pandemic. I've always had these problems. It's just now I have two full time parents policing my every move, and I can't even add anything in because either I don't have time or that would be policed too. "Why don't you come for a walk with me and the dog?" What, so I follow you around on whatever walk you want to go that I wouldn't have chosen, have an anxiety attack, be unable to talk to my partner for an hour at whatever time you choose, and have to hold your hand like a little girl because you insist on coastal paths that scare me because I'm disabled?

No, thanks.

I just wish I controlled something about my life. I wish I could express this to my parents and be heard and loved. But they don't mean it badly, so it doesn't matter. Be quiet. Sit down. Go away.

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Dysphoria, Sex, and Silicone Dicks.

Thu, 11 Feb 2021 12:53:28 GMT

I'm sorry for how disjointed this is. I wanted something better, but this is what I got.

( Cut for explicit sex and dysphoria. )

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Yuletide 2020 Reveals

Wed, 06 Jan 2021 17:26:19 GMT

I've been kind of procrastinating on Yuletide stuff now that Xmas is done with, because of a few things; my fic that was written for me was perfect and beautiful and incredible, but (through absolutely no fault of its own!) brought up some difficult emotional things with regards to this fandom and my relationship with it that I don't think i need to go into at all because you all know, I think.

Anyway! My fic was The Page of Swords by TwelveLeagues. It's a JSMN book canon childerell fic, and I honestly can't recommend it, or the writer, enough. I don't know how they hit everything I love, but they did. There's magical bondage, kinda rough sex, angst, a happy but not mushy ending! Slightly ambiguous emotions that might be romantic and might be queerplatonic! CLASS NAVIGATION. D/S!!! Unnegotiated kink that works out well in the end (which I know is unsafe in reality but god do I love it.) It has a really lovely flavour and matches the general tone of the novel spiritually, which is so incredible in a kinky get-together fic. I literally cannot EXPRESS how perfect this fic is. The writing is beautiful. The sex is kinda fade-to-black but gorgeously written and I actually love a well-balanced fade to black. It's perfect. It's SO good.

I wrote Sophie and the Saga of Avoiding the Queen's Speech, which is Howl's Moving Castle fic and my first work in this fandom. I had a bit of a rough time writing it, but I figure I'd have had an easier time if I reread HMC first... Being Welsh of course I wanted to do something that focused on Howl being Welsh too, so, what else would I do except a fic about Howl trying Very hard to watch the rugby, and Sophie getting very irritated with him. Hopefully it's funny. There's no warnings for this one except Sophie almost falls out of a window and I barely know how rugby works. Or installing televisions. But anyway.

I'm really looking forward to next Yuletide, and I was hoping to maybe contribute something to the NWR collection but I really don't know if I'm gonna have time...

Next time though I think I'm going to nominate some things and Actually Reread My Sources.

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Mon, 07 Dec 2020 16:45:33 GMT

I finally finished my yuletide!

It's not Completely what I wanted it to be, but I managed to actually finish it, so I'm pretty happy and proud of myself. I'm gonna stay away from the pinch-hits, but I might write some little fics in the new year depending what my schedule looks like, if there are unfulfilled [redacted recent hyperfixation] prompts.

So far my Yuletide Impressions are pretty good! It was a bit rough going, but my writing mojo isn't High and I am teaching this year, so my schedule has been A Lot. Provided I've done things right it was startlingly low-key. I'm gonna update this after all the reveals, but I'm happy with it as an Experience so far and looking forward to trying it next year.

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Progress on the Star Quilt!

Sat, 05 Dec 2020 12:41:57 GMT

I've made a lot of progress on the star quilt this week. I finished piecing the top a few weeks ago, and then it just languished on my pile because I didn't know how to approach the stage of putting the borders on. I was going to cut with a rotary cutter (which requires a mat and cutter, and then machine sew them on. That ended up being just Too Many hurdles for me to get over, because of a variety of reasons related to it being mum's sewing machine, the sewing room being my dad's office, and the fact that I am Scared of the sewing machine.

But, I have sworn solemnly not to make another quilt until I have made a dent in my pile of three things. One of them is a little mat that needs finished quilting and the binding sewing on. I hate this project now because it looks so ugly and messy, but I don't want to give it up fully because it started me on paper piecing and it deserves better. The other is a quilt top that is one-third pieced. I was so sick of feeling frozen in my projects on Sunday night that on Monday morning I took the day off work (I freelance), drew borders with a fabric pencil and a ruler, cut with scissors, and then sewed them on by hand.

I managed the borders for the front on Monday, and the borders on the back on Tuesday afternoon. I didn't do anything that fancy; I folded my seam allowance over, measured it at intervals to make sure it was about right, clipped it in place, finger pressed it, basted the seam allowance down so it was stable, and then whip-stitched it on. The borders for the back I did the same way, except I pinned rather than basted. I didn't see any difference in result, but I think the basting is more secure if you're not doing it in one job lot like I did.

I have batting to come, and some needles and suchlike, and this morning I got so full of itchiness to quilt that I decided I would cut my binding strips and sew them into a Long Binding Piece. I did do that with a rotary cutter and mat because my parents are out and there was no-one to Judge Me Doing It Wrong...which maybe there should have been, because I did do it wrong. I folded it the wrong way and ended up cutting twice as many as I expected. However! I had also under calculated how much binding I needed, so while I did cut ten strips, I ended up needing six to be safe, so it wasn't too bad. I think I could have got away with my five, but I wanted to make sure I had more than enough. The extra strips are also wide enough to use in paper piecing at the scale I prefer to use, so it's annoying but it won't be wasted.

I sewed the binding strips together on the diagonal, by hand, with a running back-stitch seam (which is a running stitch seam with the odd back-stitch for strength). It was pretty quick and I managed to stick to the line I drew rather than going everywhere, so that's good.

I think Keats thinks I'm pretty bonkers for wanting to attach the binding to the quilt by hand. I do, too, kind of, but I really enjoyed sewing the borders (though I DO need to get up and walk around every so often rather than sit and sew for four hours). I just want to know if I can do it, to be honest.

I've also been practicing my utility quilting for when the batting gets here and I can quilt the quilt. Utility quilting is basically where you use a thick thread and bigger stitches to quilt, rather than the super tiny stitches you use traditionally. You can use different types of stitches, but the most common is also called big stitch quilting, which is just running stitch but big. That's what I was doing on my little bane-of-my-life mat, and I hate it, so I definitely didn't want to be doing that. Instead, I borrowed from evequilts on instagram (@evequilts77) and her post about different utility quilting stitches.

I did some stars that I came up with on my own, but they're very clumsy. I love the Mennonite Tacks, the ones that look like little swords, and unexpectedly Really enjoyed the crowsfoot stitches (the arrows). The picture is them on a piece of the border fabric, far more densely packed than I'm actually going to sew them, but anyway!

In other news, when I was looking at handsewing seams, I ended up in medieval reenactment corners of the internet, because apparently very few quilting blogs actually do things completely by hand. Which I get, but which means that I'm not really interested. Medieval reenactment was something I was Hugely into about seven years ago - I think it was about the same time I was really into Lord of The Rings?? At that time I was much more into embroidery, though, and I Tried to make a Rohirrim tapestry and lost interest when I realised how much work it was going to be!

Anyway, so now I'm a Little Bit back in my medieval reenactment phase, and I've ended up with a few goals based on that. The ones that are relevent right now are that I want to get really good at sewing seams by hand, which the quilt will help with. I also want to get smoother and more even with decorative stitches, which the utility quilting will help with!

Other things are that I want to get used to sewing with a thimble, because I Have made a hole in my finger before now by sewing bare-handed. I can't get along with metal thimbles for the life of me, so I've bought a couple of types of leather thimble which hopefully will soothe my currently medieval soul and make me more invested in sticking with them. I want to have a couple different types of seam in my repertoire, but I think that would take a while. I also REALLY want to try herringbone stitch again as an insertion stitch. I'd like, if this mood sticks, to make a simple chemise. I already have an idea for how to do insertions in it. My last and much bigger project that I would love to do is actually based on something that my mum made me once for a christmas party. It was always a historically themed party, for a club I was in as a kid, and I think the outfit may have been for a gender-swapped Man In The Iron Mask? It could have been a different one. Anyway, It was a light yellow skirt and matching stays/bodice (absolutely not boned in the slightest, think sort of 16th c costume), and a white chemise under. Lately, for no apparent reason (maybe because of Mary in Ghosts??), I've been really missing this bodice. I only wore it once or twice but I wish I'd kept it, even though there's no way it would fit me some fifteen years later. I'd really like to made a hand-sewn, more historically accurate version. That's definitely for the future, though. I always think ahead too far, but I wanna make a record of my goals so I can look back later and maybe keep on track this time!

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Stuff

Sat, 21 Nov 2020 11:53:22 GMT

Okay, some stuff!

- I've started to become interested in a victorian queer writer called Robert Murray Gilchrist. I found two of his stories on archive.org, and I read them this morning. They read like if you smashed Dante Gabriel Rossetti and Aubrey Beardsley together and then wrote it in prose. The Basilisk is actually a lot like Under The Hill in its first sections, except The Basilisk is horror and Under The Hill is a romantic confection.

- I've decided that my daily little day-summary journals that I write are gonna be about me and what I did and things like that which sounds silly (surely they would be already, one thinks) but I've been doing a lot of work with my emotions lately and I wanna try and do a bit more, and yesterday i was proud of myself for two whole things: 1. I had an immediate emotional reaction to something but I slowly levered myself out of making assumptions from that space, and listened and ended up with a hopefully more constructive conversation and 2. I asserted another very soft tiny boundary (I use boundary loosely but they're so hard for me that I gotta start tiny)

- I've been slowly plodding along with my Yuletide fic. I have 2k and I'm not far off the end of the first rough section, so it might hit around 6k.

- I opened an etsy shop to sell some paper-pieced pincushions I've made!

- Teaching is going okay, but only okay. I'm surviving it.

- I watched Julie and the Phantoms! I enjoyed it, but mostly because "90s himbo music boy" was my gender when I was fifteen and I can be a teenage boy vicariously through them.

- It was mine and Keats' 5th anniversary of official queerplatonicness about a week ago, and they bought me some shirts and my gender has been VERY soft farm boy ever since.

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I talk about literature for once

Thu, 19 Nov 2020 13:35:25 GMT

So, I have a difficult bit of my PhD I'm struggling with. I have the thing written, but I feel like I rush it and use too much jargon without pausing to explore what I mean. So, because I'm a hellion, I'm going to explain it to the black void of dreamwidth where my friends live, because I need to be talking At someone to process this.

Point 1: William Sharp found that his physical body and looks were seen at odds with the literature he was producing
Point 2: His texts are read alongside his body. William Sharp, the presence in everyone's literary circles, is a known person, and his intentions have often been misread because of his physical existence. There are certain expectations on him because of that embodiment. He cannot escape censure for his texts, because he is accessible (if you hate his poem and think he's too obsessed with sex, you can go to his club and tell him so).
Point 3: Fiona Macleod's very name and persona are in complete harmony with the literature she produces
Point 4: William Sharp can express himself within a controlled intimate space among friends (this is an epistolary space, created by letters to and from friends. In private writings, taking place in established relationships, Sharp's body is far less a "part" of his texts than more public writings)
Point 5: As Macleod lacks a physical body (theoretically speaking only) she lacks the added mechanism of control we saw in Point 2.
Point 6: All Macleod's texts thus take on an intimacy such as we see in Point 4. As she only exists in text, there is no body behind the text to be read or censured. Macleod has a flexibility that Sharp does not.
Point 7: Macleod's self-construction can only exist in text and exclusively relies on text.
Point 8: Sharp is constrained by text, because there is a sense in which it is controlled by or read through his physical body.
Point 9: Lacking that body, Macleod is freed by text.

This is what I'm calling paratextual (that is, not In the text but Around the text - it's usually used of covers, typefaces, paper quality, etc. The stuff that is not In the text but influences the text however subtly) bodies.

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mental health stuff again sorry

Thu, 12 Nov 2020 11:37:13 GMT

I did a boundary today.

( mental health below )

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gender chat??

Mon, 19 Oct 2020 16:21:25 GMT

I've started to sink back into good gender again. Pretty much all through lockdown/since I got back to my parents from living at Keats', I've felt really detached from euphoric things. Except for dinosaurs and being called a sweet boy. But anyway.

Then I was thinking about Christopher Chant because of Yuletide, and I started to feel more myself again. I haven't been able to wear affirming clothes especially, but I've been really feeling and living my boyness more strongly the past few days. I made a joke about my middle name last night, like "generosity is my middle name", and Keats said "no, it's Thomas", and I melted. Today I keep going on Darcy Clothing's website and thinking of shirts and suits and collar studs, and I feel so, rooted and real. Not a normal-person amount, but better than I have.

I've also been thinking more about "The John Addington Symonds Who Lives In My Head", or, the gender affirming mostly-joking concept that the inside of my head is a victorian townhouse with a parlour connecting my brain and JAS's brain. Wherein I drive him bonkers by asking questions about queer sex on the mirror in lipstick. It's silly and ridiculous but it's a concept growing out of the idea that I feel more of a Victorian man than a modern one, mixed with some semi-joking semi-not past life stuff. It's a silly concept. But it makes me feel happy, and thinking of it brings me back to myself.

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I did my yuletide sign up!

Fri, 16 Oct 2020 09:56:31 GMT

I should be working and I'm not BUT i did do my yuletide sign up. ahhh?? agghh. I've offered for a Certain BBC Comedy Show Who Will Go Unnamed, and I kept being like "should I say any or specify?? I don't wanna not write for [show] just because I didn't include certain characters but also I'm not super into the major ships and I wanted to avoid getting stuck with 'em......

Also I feel a bit ridiculous bc I put a bucket offer on and the faq says this is Advanced Mode but to be fair to me all those fandoms apart from two had just 1-2 nominated characters so that doesn't seem too bad?

Oh, one thing: are we actually allowed to say what we're offering on our journals or is that Frowned Upon?

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Yuletide 2020 Letter

Thu, 15 Oct 2020 10:10:27 GMT

Dear Yuletide Writer,

Hello! I hope you find something on here that inspires you; thank you SO much for volunteering to write a story! This is my first time doing yuletide so I hope I’m doing this right!

General likes: I like poetic, gentle stories, character studies, slice-of-lifes, and tenderness. That doesn’t mean everyone always has to be sweet and gentle or whatever (in fact I like difficulty and bitterness!) I just like things that end well and where you can tell people like and care for each other. (At the moment I’ve been stuck on stories where, even if you fuck up, it’s okay. You still deserve love and care.) I like bittersweet love stories, queer love stories, queerplatonic relationships, deep friendships, found family, and healing from trauma. I like trans characters, queer characters, neurodivergent characters, bitter people who love and are loved but don’t lose their sharpness, kind people who reach breaking point (so long as they have a happy ending), people dealing with trauma, people loving others even when it’s hard. I like slash, especially more queerplatonic sorts of slash.

General dislikes: Really shmoopy romantic stories, bashing of characters, unhappy endings, focus on noncanonical straight relationships, embarrassment.

Triggers: Illness, death from illness.

M or E-rated stories are great if you’re drawn that way, but not necessary at all.

Sex-related Good Things: Rough sex, oral, bondage, power exchange, biting, slapping, choking, consensual non-consent.

Sex-related DNWs: Watersports, scat, super romantic sex.

Ghosts (TV 2019)

Requested Character(s): Kitty

I really love the found family dynamic in Ghosts. It makes my little aromantic heart happy to see friendship treated this nicely and powerfully. I love the darker elements to Ghosts and the possibility that they all had traumatic backgrounds or deaths, but I like how the emphasis is always on friendship and healing and care.

I love Kitty because of her softness and gentleness, especially contrasted against canon’s implication that she had a traumatic upbringing and her occasional moments of sharpness. I’d love to see her less fluffy emotions and her relationship with the other characters, especially the Captain, explored. I tend to headcanon Kitty as having ADHD and if you’re able to include that that that would be wonderful.

Specific DNW: Romantic shipping between the ghosts, focus on illness (it's okay if you think Kitty died from an illness and want to include that, but background/passing mention only please)

Alan Grant Series (Josephine Tey)

Requested Character(s): Alan Grant

I really enjoy the sort of…gentlemanly, Hollywood-esque elements to Grant and how even when Tey was writing, he wasn’t your Usual Type of Detective. I like his friendships with women, and the unusualness of those relationships. I like the especially character study elements of Tey’s writing about him.

Note: My favourite of the books are The Man in the Queue and The Daughter of Time, and his cameo in The Franchise Affair, so if you’re able to focus on those that would be wonderful. I also ship him with Lamont from The Man In The Queue, but I don't want to control your direction if you're not into that!

Specific DNW: Straight Grant (any stripe of queer, including trans Grant, is fine), illness.

The Chronicles of Chrestomanci (Diana Wynne Jones)

Requested Character(s): Christopher Chant, Mordecai Roberts | Tacroy (You don't have to include both!)

Found family is a really big thing for me in this one as well! I really really love Christopher, and his relationship with all the kids he ends up accidentally adopting, officially or unofficially. I’m super into the concept of his life when he’s not on cases, and the family life he has. I love Tacroy and his relationship with Christopher, and I wish we’d seen how that developed as Christopher grew up/what it looked like when Christopher was an adult. I love the weird power dynamic between Christopher and Tacroy. I also really adore Christopher’s dandiness.

Notes: I’m perfectly fine with shipping Christopher/Tacroy so long as everyone is an adult/above age of consent (16 in my country).

Specific DNW: Illness.

Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell (Susanna Clarke)

Requested Character(s): John Childermass, Gilbert Norrell

I love the Gothicism of canon, and again the found family elements. I love how it explores class and gender and race in this really quiet, subtle way. I love the fact that there are so few Nice characters in this book and how they chafe against each other but still care for one another, and still love each other in their own tangled ways. I love exploring what the Raven King means to Northerners. I ship Childermass/Norrell and their weird power exchange dynamic; I like Norrell/Strange too and Childermass/Norrell/Strange, especially when it’s got sort of mildly antagonistic vibes.

Specific DNW: Romantic John Childermass/John Segundus, illness.

Triggers: I’d really rather you not include Piranesi stuff as that book was a lot for me mentally and I’m still processing.

Agatha Christie’s Poirot (TV)

Requested Character(s): Hercule Poirot, Arthur Hastings

Again with the found family! The main advantage the show has over the books/stories for me is the friendship between Hastings, Poirot, Miss Lemon and Japp and how family-ish it is. Casefic is good if that’s what you’re drawn too, so long as it has those good-good found family elements. (I also run the tumblr blog aropoirot, which probably says a lot…)

Specific DNW: Straight Poirot, illness, Poirot’s death.

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Mon, 12 Oct 2020 14:23:42 GMT

OKAY FINE I'LL SIGN UP FOR YULETIDE

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Mon, 12 Oct 2020 11:11:07 GMT

Oh my god I shouldn't sign up for yuletide this year and i don't even know if it's possible to sign up now but oh my god, there's Ghosts, there's the Alan Grant novels, there's Poirot, oh my goddddd......................

Someone either tell me not to sign up (i'm working, and teaching, and maybe travelling) or tell me if sign ups are open and how intimidating it is as a thing to do....

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News

Mon, 05 Oct 2020 11:03:12 GMT

I gave my first English Lit seminar on Friday.

I was really, horribly worked up about it, and I'm still coping with the after effects of the anxiety. Saying that, though, it went pretty well. They're a good bunch and they paid attention to my questions and had some good thoughts, especially for a first week. After I finished it, I felt pretty happy and comfortable about this week's one; I have to basically chat about things like "what is an author" and explain Barthes to them and look at Ozymandias, which I have an inordinate fondness for despite calling Shelley Percy Bitch Shelley because he's an ass and he deserves it (though he did write on the Peterloo Massacre which gives him a couple good points.)

I won't call him Percy Bitch Shelley in front of the eighteen year olds though.

I don't know how much I'm getting paid for this, and what things I get paid for and what I don't. Haven't had my contract yet. I've got the sinking feeling it'll be like fifteen quid a week, which would be okay if it was just An Hour's Work but with the prep time (at least three hours on top) it feels a bit ehn. Still, I don't know, maybe I'll be surprised. And even if it is fifteen quid a week that's fifteen quid a week more than I did have.

My work level at my other job got upped, a couple months back, so I have that to contend with, although that job pays really well. I'm gonna need to pay taxes.

I'm still ticking on my Phd. My supervisor says I have some wiggle room and can relax my pace a bit, which I might have to. I also have a conference on Halloween I'm presenting at (The Gothic Nature Conference). So that's fun.

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Update post

Thu, 24 Sep 2020 11:38:55 GMT

Uh....I wanna post but I don't wanna keep being heavy so I'm gonna make an update post!

- Quilting is going okay, but has been a bit slow at the moment. I've done a third of the countryside-ish quilt, and the space quilt needs its borders on and to be sewn up from strips to a full thing. I've sewn all the middle parts of the strips up so it's not TOO long off done. I mean. It is but it isn't. Borders will be a mare until everything is squared up.

- First I finished Mystic Pop Up Bar, as I said I think last time, and then I watched all of Hotel Del Luna which is...very similar, in a lot of ways, but a little more serious and more heartbreaking. Then I looked up if Why Women Kill is available here and it is, so I watched a bit of that. I like it, but it's playing with some homophobic and biphobic tropes. I've not decided to stop watching it, because I have a very vague sense that they might trouble some of those tropes a bit, but I don't know yet. The new series of Ghosts is out, so I binged all of that yesterday and then watched s2e1 on the tv, after finishing the whole season, because my mum put it on. Then I watched s1e1 after that went off. Because this is a hyperfixation and I'm in emotional difficulty.

- I bought a kindle copy of Piranesi last night. Mainly because Keats' pre-order came and i couldn't let them read it alone so I had to get over my adhd nonsense (mixed 'ugh BOOKS', weird rsd, and avoidance because of crap that went down in the jsmn fandom) and bought it. I'm only a couple pages in, but. Screams.

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Some processy stuff.

Tue, 22 Sep 2020 11:59:30 GMT

I wrote these two bits yesterday. I tried to put them as read mores but it wouldn't work, so: warnings for food issues, neglect, transphobia, self-harm.

I should be working right now, but instead I’m thinking about emotions, specifically negative emotions. I’ve been trying lately to think about my needs, and about what I lack emotionally, what I need to work on, things like that. Basically I’m trying to work on my selfawareness so that I can reparent myself more effectively. The other week, I was talking to Keats about selfharm and they thought that I should write something about it, because – either due to my trauma or my ADHD – I don’t see things as chronologies very easily, more as discrete events. (I have the ADHD ability to connect dots and see things very quickly, just not with emotions most of the time any more).

I started to selfharm while I was being homeschooled. I don’t remember when exactly, but I was homeschooled from the age of nine, and I was definitely self-harming when I had my mental breakdown at fourteen (I am in my mid-twenties now). The problem with homeschool and my mother is that my mother has always been controlling. I always sought her approval. And for most of my life, she was the only adult I was really around.

As I said above, I have ADHD. And ADHD often comes with an emotional processing stumbling block called rejection sensitive dysphoria. Basically it means it’s really hard for you to act proportionately to anything you perceive as a criticism. When my mum would mark my work, I would often start to cry. She’d call me into her study and tell me what I did wrong and what I did right, and I would stand there and get upset. She would tell me things like “You’re [age] now, not a baby,” and “If you were in school you wouldn’t be able to get away with this,” and often she’d end up raising her voice at me and I think even telling me to go to my room.

I think I had already started to slap myself in the face before this, whenever we argued or whenever I got upset, because my mum doesn’t like me crying too loudly or too long. In my room, of course, not in front of her. I had tried punching pillows but it didn’t work. So anyway, when I was having to stand there quietly while I got what felt like told off for my work not being perfect, I ended up starting to dig my nails into my hands or scratch my arms. Mum tried to tell me to stop this, but I just did it more subtly, because I had no other option.

Gradually I was bottling up more and more frustrations and hurts and anxieties, and I was self-harming whenever I needed a release from the pressure. The pain cleared my head. Once, I made the mistake of using a kitchen knife and my parents found out. My mum lied to me to drag me to the doctor (and I still now, over ten years later, get nervy if I don’t know where we’re going) and the upshot is I went to therapy.

Finally, you might think! He might learn some decent coping mechanisms! And oh, my therapist tried. She was a very nice lady and very kind to me. But really…here’s the thing. I tried getting myself out of the situation; I got yelled at. I couldn’t take a shower to distract myself because showers were stressful; I don’t remember the other suggested things but I know I tried several and I know that I was reduced to having to just “deal” with it. You can imagine, I think, the pain of going to a therapist to stop selfharming, and then you get into a situation where you could apply these coping mechanisms and all you’re allowed to do by your mother is….sit still and do nothing. A couple years ago, I wasn’t allowed to go in my room after an argument – it made my mum angrier. I wasn’t allowed to type on the phone for long: “What are you telling Keats about me?”. So I started going into the bathroom after an argument. Sometimes “innocently”, sometimes to just be in a space my mother wasn’t. After a few times, I wasn’t allowed to do this either. I remember one day I had to just sit there, anxious, needing to go to the bathroom, but because we’d just argued I had to wait long enough that it wouldn’t get me yelled at.

Recently, Keats and I have been going through some big emotional stuff. I’m trying to improve and get better emotionally, because part of my problems have been like. You know. Not being great at emotions because I was never taught to be. You know you’ve not been taught well when you hear the words don’t bottle things up when you’re fifteen and you just presume that that’s sarcastic.

Anyway, I’ve been trying to work on crying more, because I spent so much of my life not crying, and see where that got me. My mum sees this, because I live with my parents still. Her main takeaways have been “You’re [age] now, you can’t be crying all the time”, and “You need to go on anti-depressants because you’re crying all the time” and, crucially: “You’re not self-harming, are you? Because I’m not having that.”

Not “If you’re concerned you’re going to start hurting yourself, we can talk about this together”, but “I’m not having that.”

If she doesn’t see my problems that means I don’t have any. If she just tells me not to self harm and not to cry, I’ll develop healthy ways of relating to my emotions! I’ll definitely process my pain well!

My crying has always been a thing I was punished for. A thing that my very education could be taken away for. “If you don’t stop crying when you don’t understand something your dad won’t teach you physics any more!” I’ve never felt okay with my ugly feelings, or safe to be depressed around my parents. My mum has depression; you’d think she’d understand. The extent of her understanding is “Go on pills”.

And now I feel so…I caused Keats a lot of pain because of things I couldn’t process, and because of doing things I’d been taught were the Right Way of handling other people’s emotions. I don’t want to talk about things that are theirs but I really hurt them, not just because of the kind of emotional handling I’m talking about today but because of a lot of the way I was brought up. And so I hold resentment of myself, and hatred of myself, and resentment of the way I was taught to behave, not just for my own sake but for theirs.

I’m having some difficult thoughts right now. I’m tearing up thinking about it and I’m having a hard time remembering that the only way for them to heal is for me to be here to help and to heal myself.

I’m trying to keep in mind that I am worth love, that I deserve love, that I am allowed to give myself love. I don’t feel worth it. I know that’s the battle. That I just have to get back up and keep loving myself. I don’t know how to when I’ve fucked everything up.

I hate feeling like my personhood disappears into my mother. I don’t mean about my mum’s way of approaching me, although she does tend to assume I like the same things she likes. I get it; I did try to, while I was growing up, because it was the best way to behave. I always felt bad or wary or otherwise wrong for my interests, because anything that my mum didn’t think much of was fair game for ridicule. For example: I used to watch Star Trek before my mum was awake, because I was embarrassed that I liked it and because my parents both made fun of Star Trek. They know that I like it now, but I also hid that I enjoyed Sanctuary, Merlin and Doctor Who. I used to watch them when my parents were out, or quickly close the tab if they passed. I have a huge problem watching “my things” on the tv, or listening to “my music” on the stereo. The music was a bit less of an issue, because my parents shaped my music taste more completely than my tv taste. For a while, my mum made my clothes. We’d been watching a lot of 1940s films together, and I liked a lot of the women’s clothes, and there were a few repro sewing pattern companies that we both were kind of, mutually hyperfocused on. However, here’s the deal: my mum would very gently push me towards certain fabrics and certain patterns, and eventually I would give. If there was a pattern I really loved, I had to surreptitiously fight for it, and even then she might buy it but never make it. She just sort of…geared my wardrobe to what she wanted. This still happens even though she doesn’t make clothes any more really: she bought me a Stevie Nicks shirt and a Talking Heads shirt just the other month. I hate Talking Heads. I wear the shirt as a pyjama shirt, so that no-one outside thinks I like it. Seriously it’s a t-shirt of one of the few songs that I truly cannot stand. But she thought it was cool, so.

Another major way this happens is with my dad. He constantly buys my mum sweets or chocolate or biscuits or cake, and, you know, like…I get that this is how he shows love. And I’d feel like I’d done something wrong if I was getting left out. But it’s constant. Like right now, at the current moment, he has a) made a banana cake, b) got a load of biscuits, c) got us two cakes each on Saturday, d) got us each a packet of sweets. I had one of the cakes, but I knew dad would ask about if we wanted a slice of banana cake twice today, and I knew he also would yesterday, so I hadn’t eaten the other cake. But then, just now with lunch, mum asked me if I was going to eat the second cake, because if not she’d eat it. I felt hurt because it’s like…it was from Saturday and it was packaged, not fresh. I wanted it, but then I thought about it and I gave it mum because, well, I’d rather not let the banana cake go stale. If I had something as often as he got them or asked about them I’d be having a slice of cake after every meal, biscuits at mid morning and mid afternoon, and then just. Other Sundry Sweets randomly through the day. I feel like I’m being fattened up. Ugh god I don’t know how to say this without sounding really bodyshamy. I am fat. My mother is also fat, and bigger than I am. I don’t want to sound like I think dad is enabling my mother, or that it’s bad to be fat. I want her to feel comfortable and not stressed. But I, also, want to feel comfortable and not stressed, and I really do feel like….like my dad gives me the same portions as my mum. He doesn’t eat all the slices of cake and biscuits and sweets, in fact he hardly eats at all. This is just a me-and-mum thing. And I feel like he’s treating me as a mini-me of my mother, same as mum does. And it’s not that I think my mum’s body is bad, it’s just that I want to have control over my body.

And sure I can and have been refusing the sweets and slices of cake and otherwise trying to limit my sugar, but…I feel like a bad person for that. Like I’m refusing love as its given, when I already feel like I don’t really get loved. Or like mum’s going to think I’m being passive aggressive. Or something. And then I think about if dad stopped, and what a double-edged sword that would be. On the one hand, less food to worry about, but on the other, feeling ignored and left out.

It’s like right now I feel like everything is a battleground. I’ve been making quilts, and I want my mum’s advice and approval on one hand, but on the other, when she gets involved it makes me want to stop making them. She keeps saying about buying houses with future lottery winnings with outbuildings for me and Keats to live in (not stay!! Live!). And the other day she showed me a sideboard and said “this would be really nice for yours and Keats’ kitchen”. And it really…when she showed me the sideboard, I texted Keats that I wanted the wildest, most joyous, “ugly” house. I don’t want to be decorating my house and thinking “what would Mum approve of.” I don’t even really want to live too close to her. I really don’t want to live on her property. I don’t care too much if she misses me, and I don’t even really care if she has a breakdown like she did when I moved out for the first two years of university. I don’t want her to hurt or be sad, but I’m not her doll or her entertainment.

This is one of the reasons I’m scared of coming out, not the only one (that’ll have to be a future post) but one of them. I know I’m a man, but I don’t know what I even really like as an individual. I can’t see myself living as a man in the real world. I’m scared that if I come out she won’t love me as much, or it’ll really upset her, because I won’t be her dress-up doll any more. I’m scared of how she’ll expect me to behave and if that’ll be so constricting that my dysphoria will change direction. She isn’t keen on very femme gay men or very butch gay women; she tends to make comments about it, and I’m scared that if I come out and follow my instincts to be the kind of faggot I am, word choice angry and intentional, she’ll be disapproving and pushy. I’m trying to figure out who I am outside of her training, but it’s hard, and I feel like if I go too far I won’t be loved any more.

I’m scared they’ll take my name from me, or make sneery faces about it. I like being Bowman, even if it is a little middle class. I’m just scared that they’re going to push Thomas or William on me (what they would have called me if I was AMAB), and I’ve tried to get used to Thomas as part of my name just to placate them.

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