So I did NOT come back with pictures, but that's okay. I'll keep trying to try to figure it out.

Anyway, progress update: I finished the Strata vest a few days earlier than intended (go me!). I think I might have made a couple of mistakes in the increases, because my armholes don't quite match and picking up the pattern's number of stitches wasn't really possible. But I don't think that shows really when you look at the whole thing. Overall, I thought the pattern was super easy to follow, the sizing information was easy to understand, and the result turned out nicely. I tried to find a bind-off that would have the look of a tubular bind-off but work for 3x1 rib, which I did, but it didn't turn out as nicely as I wanted, because it flared quite badly when worked loosely and on a larger needle as recommended. When worked tightly on the same size needle, it's lovely but not stretchy.  I also have the best part of four balls of the Drops Alpaca left, so the yardage estimate was fairly generous (I made the largest size, full length, with B bust darts and only one row between the underarm and bust darts).

I'm back working on the Hands cardigan, in Drops Alaska. Working on this is a bit of a nightmare; I think the pattern (which was free) had the wrong version uploaded because there are parts that simply don't make sense, not in a poorly worded way but in a "you will not get the right result if you do this" way. I figured it out but there were knock-on stitch count issues which mean that it keeps being a bit of a fuss. It's also a mare because, okay, she says to work as much body as you like, and I wanted a cropped fit. I'm short waisted and from the underarm of the pattern to the waistline of my trousers is like, literally 8cm, and then there's a LOAD of edging, which would total more than 8cm if I did that to pattern. So I left that part on my needles, since I didn't know how much edging I wanted to work (I thought it wouldn't look proportional if I did it to patten). Then I picked up a sleeve, because I thought that would help figure out body lenth. But then I stopped THAT at the cuff as well, because proportional, and have picked up the next sleeve. I feel like I'm almost there with it, it's just two sets of needles, at least two balls of yarn, and a holding cable, and it's just a lot. I hope to have it ready to wear on March 30 because we're going to a food festival and I have the perfect  outfit in mind. What I have left to do is: The majority of one sleeve, the cuffs for both sleeves, the hem, and the front edging.

I'm absolutely itching to start the Laura Penrose Souffle Blouse. I'm going to be monogamous and finish the Hands first, but I swatched for the Souffle a couple of weeks ago and can't wait to start it. I'm using Navia Alpakka in two colours held together, a yellow and a green that I can't remember the names for. This yarn was supposed to be for a cardigan Book was going to make for me, but they hated how their gauge swatch came out so I said I would make a blouse instead. I don't really have anything else for that except that it's a shiny project and I love it.

I also have some gift-giving plans. I've planned out a pair of socks for my dad for Fathers Day, which will be a mash-up of a Summer Lee sock pattern with a colourwork/intarsia chart for my dad's favourite animal, which will be in some superwash yarn in shades of grey; I don't know What yarn though. I'm going to buy enough of that yarn to also make some colourwork cat socks for Book. I'm hoping to be able to be working on one of those several socks when we go to see The Mountain Goats in May.

I've ALSO got plans to make my dad a sweater, probably for Christmas but maybe for his birthday, which will be the Sonder by Weichien Chan. I don't know what colours I'm going to make that in. Maybe something like the sample, maybe not. Either way it will be warmish soft natural kinds of colours.

Non-knitting things:

I would like to get at least one sewing thing out of my pile in the next few months. I don't know what that will be, but it will have to be something, because I want to make my Mum for Christmas the Norm and Nanette quilt (small version) by Elizabeth Hartmann, and I Should Not be adding more sewing to the pile without taking sewing off. I want it to be soon because I at least want to start the Legendary quilt, also by Elizabeth Hartmann, and to start THAT I need to have cut out the Luce trousers from Tauko 6 (?) because I'm piecing the Bigfoot block from my Luce offcuts. So I guess that means three things need to come off the sewing pile.

Hi all,

So I don't normally partake in challenges like make nine and me made may, but I thought I would have a go this year, because I've been sewing for a little while now and I've also just picked up knitting again after, like, over a decade [minus two pairs of socks that I made at random points in the past six years or so].

Current WIPs:

Agnes Vest by Bethany Lynne: This was all but finished last year and just needs its ends weaving in. There are a lot of ends. This is liable to remain on the wip pile for seventeen more years. I was arrogant and naieve.

Hands Cardigan by The Flying Yak: This is on the needles as we speak, but is currently on hold in favour of another wip that has a hard deadline. It also keeps going in the naughty corner because of pattern reasons. I will have to review this when I've finished it because I have Thoughts (tm).

Strata by Jaqueline Cieslack: This is the current deadlined wip. I'm making it for my mum for Mother's day [the march one], and it's my first ever garment in 4ply and will be, when finished, the only time I've ever finished something in 4ply. I've cast on and frogged multiple 4ply projects but none have ever got this far. It's a bit of a trial by fire, but I know that if I'd picked another project that wasn't for my mum I would have no drive to finish it, but as it is I know for a fact that it will not beat me.

Baby quilt for my cousin's daughter: This is a paper pieced project and like all my paper pieced projects I'm designing it on the fly. It was supposed to be for christmas, but then I realised that I didn't have any drive to make my other cousin's children anything, and that felt a bit mean to give something to Elizabeth and nothing to Sid and Lavinia (all fake names). I'm not going to make anything for Sid and Lavinia, because my mum made a lot of stuff for Sid when he was born and his mother [the one of his parents who isn't my cousin] was kinda. what did you do that for. about it. So Elizabeth is getting a quilt for her first birthday instead.

Kaffe Fassett quilt: This needs quilting, but I wanted to try doing that by machine and my machine gave up the ghost and so I had to stop and now my hyperfixation on it has faded. It should be fairly quick though once I get going.

Sleeveless wrap top: This is something I drafted based on a dress I made last year. I finished it 90% of the way and then three things happened: I ran out of thread, I realised I'd missed a part of the seam in a really prominent spot, and my sewing machine broke down. The machine has been serviced now and I've accepted that it's okay to switch to a matching but not identical thread, but I haven't finished it because I'm scared I'll descover so many more issues.

Sleeveless long vest: I made this wrong. I self-drafted the pattern but didn't think through how the facing would attach and I did it wrong. It will be finished the second I unpick and redo the facing, but UGH.

Dinosaur top: This is another self-drafted stalled sewing project. Mainly it's stalled because I hate sewing with the fabric (weirdly stretchy cotton) but it's also stalled because of the aforesaid sewing machine breakdown and because I've changed my mind on what I want from the top now. I made the neck wider than I should have and I gave it trumpet sleeves, which now I'm not super sure about. I think I'm going to make a ruffle from scrap and sew that in at the neckline to make the neck smaller, and trim some of the excess off the sleeves. The process of doing the ruffle is going to be so annoying, but ehn. Actually I just realised I could buy a fuckton of green lace which might look nicer because then I won't have to figure out the directional print.

Future projects that I have all or most of the stuff for:

Forest Keys vest by Teti Lutsak: I'm really looking forward to this. It's another 4ply weight vest, but this time it's for me and it's covered in colourwork. The yarn is looking at me right now, but I have to get the Strata off the needles first.

Palazzo pants by Sasha Starlight: These are cut out of a lovely hot pink viscose, but have been sitting in my drawer since September, not out of any lack of desire to make them but because it got too cold to prioritise summery trousers. I have some issues with this pattern too; I'll review it when I'm done, but the main issue (product photos that misrepresented the fit) has now been fixed, so I'm not as mad as I was.

Materials that I would like to make up into Something but I don't know what yet:

Eight or so balls of the same cotton that I made my Agnes from.

A lot of hot pink cotton that was going to be a summer top and shorts, and was then going to be a wrap top and now who knows

3.5 meters of a yellow and pink Fabric Godmother viscose that I wanted to make into Sew Liberated Chanterelle trousers originally but now am contemplating making into a blouse.

3.5 meters of an entirely different pink viscose that was also intented to be trousers, but god knows.

4 meters of a dinosaur print silk that I'm terrified of cutting into.

One curtain-width of William Morris upholstry fabric I got from a charity destash sale and was going to make into shorts but keep thinking of making into a quilted vest top.

Six or seven meteres of 60" wide red wool that was going to be a Folkwear Travelling Suit but good god, the pattern grading was horrific. The skirt was as long as I am tall, because don't you know that every single fat person is taller than every single skinny person???

Some bright green viscose that was going to be Sasha Starlight trousers but accidentally got sunbleached in an annoying but salvageable way.

Patterns I would like to make:

Souffle by Laura Penrose: I've found a tangerine mohair I think would look lovely made up into this.

At least one blouse, which could be the Nautilus by Marilla Walker (sewing), one of my mods of the Sew Liberated Nocturne (sewing), or something like the Padolyst blouse by Teti Lutsak (knitting). Whether I sew or knit it will depend on how my current knitting fixation shakes out.

I don't know how many of them I'm going to make (or make into something), but I would at least like to finish my knitting and crochet projects and make at least one blouse, because tops are a bit of a hole in my wardrobe right now. If I do sew a blouse, or anything, it's going to be from stash. I really don't want to buy more fabric this year if I can at all help it, and I would like to have decent turnover of my yarn stash. Honestly sewing seems really Not Fun right now, but I hope that that will change at some point in the year.

So I've repeatedly, over the past couple of years for sure but probably periodically just Through Life, felt that I wished that there was some kind of intermediary stage between Has DID and Doesn't Have DID, because I felt very certainly that I did not have DID, but also felt that I 
didn't entirely not Have DID. There is this thing, as it happens, which I did not know about until a month or two ago. More recently it started to become a bit of A Thing, I think mainly because I'm living with Book now, and feel less intensely masked/emotionally buried, plus they feel more able to tell me things like "you're acting strange" and "sometimes you seem like a different person".

I don't know why I'm talking about this right now. Book is having a video appointment and I am here for moral support but I can't focus on work because it's very brainpowery. I guess I just want to have some place to talk about these things that I can be a be a bit more longform than tumblr, because I'm trying to be more discreet there given......things.

So after a bit of Figuring and so on and so forth I'm softly thinking that I might have OSDD1. Book, and a friend of mine, both pointed out that there's nothing wrong with proceeding under that assumption if it helps, and so far it has helped quite distinctly. I don't have therapist access right now (hoping to change that in the new year), and I don't really trust that I will be able to get an NHS diagnosis given the process for ADHD that I went through. I'm also going to generally express things in more concrete terms than I necessarily mean because it's easier to read and express.

I just had to reload and lost some of this but it was all waffling anyway. The main players are thus:

Bow, who seems to be the current "base state". I don't like using "host" language because it seems like Bow wasn't always the the host, but that's essentially what's happening. He's almost always conscious, though not always, even if not actively fronting.

Tank, who is the first alter/emotional part/facet/whatever is going on that we identified. He's a lot quieter than Bow, less expressive, has a sort of "cooler", more level affect. He talks more deeply and moves in a different way. There's other things but those are the main points. He also seems to carry most of the dysphoria and other negative feelings. He, we think, was "host" when I/the body was a teenager.

Rutherford, who I described to Book as "a toddler that Bow and Tank accidentally adopted". He's not literally a toddler but he does seem very young, maybe six. He feels very emotionally aware, but he doesn't talk very well and gets easily confused and struggles to follow things. When he's fronting, I, Bow, tend to be able to take over some things, like texting. It's strange because it kind of (and I'm referring to instances from before I started seriously thinking about all this) gives this really sharp difference between body and the very "front" of my brain, and then this back part of my brain that feels like it operates on a different circuit.

There might be others who don't front; sometimes I hear thoughts that feel too secure or unanxious to be mine. But that could be some (non-alter) part of me, Bow, or it could be something else. I don't know yet.

I've been trying to work on going with these "moods" when they're around, or in other terms letting other parts front, but that can be a struggle a lot of the time because it means feeling like I'm giving up control. But I'm gradually getting better at mentally "feeling" the presence of these parts, which is kinda weird. Right now for example I can kinda feel Rutherford kind of bouncing around in there.

Talking to them is kinda weird. I don't know if I'm really doing it and I don't know how far they truly Can be talked to, but I'm trying because it seems like basic respect and I don't want to replicate the neglect I went through in my own head. Sometimes it feels like having a conversation and sometimes it just feels like orbs of feelings crashing into each other. Sometimes it feels like a vague Vibe coming from somewhere in my head.

When I, Bow, push myself to the front, it kind of feels like surfacing from something; I can't always do it though, and I can't intentionally take myself out of the front.

I dunno. I guess I'm done with this dumping now. Thanks for reading. I hope to say some other stuff when I can. Maybe Tank will want to post, idk.

Hi everyone!

It's been a while, huh. Some stuff has changed since last I posted, many, many, many years ago.

1) I like teaching now! Last time I posted on that was two whole Novembers ago, and while I hated the whole thing that semester, I picked up teaching the next semester on The Gothic and I had a really good time. I had some great students who got really into it and did some great essays that were really fun to read. (I'm the only person in the world who enjoys grading, apparently.) One poor, poor kid used buzzfeed as their main secondary source, which is so ludicrous that I'm cross with the kid, I'm cross with all the secondary school teachers who failed them.

2) My PhD is.....oof. Mm. Going okay, but also we're entering hustle time, which SUCKS, because my brain is broken. We're entering 'who do you want to be your external examiner' time and all my choices are bad or terrifying, and there is so much fucking work to do that i feel explodey. It's a good job I was planning on trying to get on ADHD meds soon.

3) Book has finally made an honest man of me (they contradict this), and we're working hard on getting them to the UK. (this is another reason point 2 sucks).

4) I finished that Star Quilt. Book's cat is currently sitting on it, because it's hers now. I also finished the Lancashire Quilt, which I didn't even manage to fully talk about on here yet but is massive and amazing and one of the best things I ever made. I hit my goal mentioned in the Star Quilt post of sewing stronger seams by hand; I've made a waistcoat, a dress, a pair of trousers, and a pair of stays all by hand since last September. Not in that order, though. My handsewing has improved so much, as have my patterning and other construction skills.

5) I'm mentally in a much better place. I'm not fantastic, but I went on birth control last year and it's really levelled me out. I used to be massively unstable for about a week and a half, maybe two weeks, every month, where I would be borderline suicidal out of nowhere. Now I don't have to deal with that any more, and bonus, I don't have to deal with periods either.

One thing that has been really weighing on me lately is the question of agency. I keep feeling this sense of pressure, and this sense of entrapment, I suppose. It's not really about the pandemic. It's about the fact, I guess, that I've never spent this much time in my dad's company in my life. My mum, sure. I was homeschooled. I had years of being with her all the time, and I'm used to that. What I'm not used to is everything else.

It builds up in small ways. It's like: your father constantly misrepresenting your behaviour, not in a bad way as such, just in a way that makes you feel hidden. Saying that you must have really loved a sandwich because you had the remaining half so that it wouldn't go to waste. Saying "are you thirsty?" when you pass him after getting a glass of water. Saying "do you have a headache?" when you have a painkiller. Saying "I thought you liked hot curry?" when you went to get a glass of water in the middle of tea. Not asking how you wanted your eggs cooked and assuming you want them fried, and then admitting that he was assuming. Making a cup of tea while you're in the bath and not making you one - not even asking if you want one but you'll get out the bath to come get it, not asking if you'll be out of the bath soon. Assuming you want exactly the same things as your mother. Assuming the things you enjoy are the same things as your mother. Not letting you take a plate or a cup out of his hands and instead making you let him put it down - but taking things out of your hands when the situation is reversed. It's going into your room to sweep when he knows you hate people in your room. It's going into your space just to look out of the window. It's not telling you that he's in the process of putting lunch out so you have to rush to put your stuff away. It's when he puts your lunch down and then you move your stuff and he physically picks up the plate and moves it two inches closer to you - and you take a weird pleasure in moving it two inches back, because you hadn't actually finished putting your stuff away.

It's being talked to while you're working, no matter what. It's being asked if your partner is awake. If your partner got anything good at the shop. If your partner talked to you while you were in the bath. If you've spoken to your partner today. If you're working today. If you're not. It's assumptions like - like being asked about if your eggs are runny enough and saying you actually like them jammy and being told "well then you couldn't dip anything in them" and then every time after that you have eggs hearing "yay, I made it nice and runny!" when you specifically said that's not what you wanted. It's being asked every single meal if your food is okay while you eat it. It's hearing "[deadname's] laughing her head off over there" because you giggled at joke on a tv show.

I know they're all small. But there's so fucking many. And that's not even getting into all my mum's things - pick your feet up. what's that noise. what are you doing. come watch this video. why are there two towels on the towel rack. can you switch on all the lights, even the ones in rooms i'm not in. Take my plate. put this away. put that away. don't pick your lip. your poor beautiful perfect pretty little princess skin.

And - then when I try and explain why I feel bad. "I felt misrepresented and hurt by something dad said." "Well, he didn't mean it badly, so it doesn't matter."

I know. It doesn't matter. I ask for a specific simple lunch on a specific day so that I'm comfortably in time for my office hour. It goes on the schedule. And then the day comes around and I'm told we're actually having eggs on toast, isn't that wonderful?

It's things I used to like - getting a cup of coffee while I'm still in bed. Having pastries for breakfast on Sunday. Being pat on the shoulder when I get brought a cup of tea while I work - being turned into biting moments of being waited on.

And the reason it all bothers me so is - I can't think of a single thing in my life I control. I have to do certain things on certain days because of work. Stuff I'll get told off for if I don't do enough of, dad does before I can. It's where and when I get to do my hobbies. It's when I eat meals and what I eat. It's when I get up. It's when I clean my room, or do any chore at all. It's not just the pandemic. I've always had these problems. It's just now I have two full time parents policing my every move, and I can't even add anything in because either I don't have time or that would be policed too. "Why don't you come for a walk with me and the dog?" What, so I follow you around on whatever walk you want to go that I wouldn't have chosen, have an anxiety attack, be unable to talk to my partner for an hour at whatever time you choose, and have to hold your hand like a little girl because you insist on coastal paths that scare me because I'm disabled?

No, thanks.

I just wish I controlled something about my life. I wish I could express this to my parents and be heard and loved. But they don't mean it badly, so it doesn't matter. Be quiet. Sit down. Go away.

I've been kind of procrastinating on Yuletide stuff now that Xmas is done with, because of a few things; my fic that was written for me was perfect and beautiful and incredible, but (through absolutely no fault of its own!) brought up some difficult emotional things with regards to this fandom and my relationship with it that I don't think i need to go into at all because you all know, I think.

Anyway! My fic was The Page of Swords by TwelveLeagues. It's a JSMN book canon childerell fic, and I honestly can't recommend it, or the writer, enough. I don't know how they hit everything I love, but they did. There's magical bondage, kinda rough sex, angst, a happy but not mushy ending! Slightly ambiguous emotions that might be romantic and might be queerplatonic! CLASS NAVIGATION. D/S!!! Unnegotiated kink that works out well in the end (which I know is unsafe in reality but god do I love it.) It has a really lovely flavour and matches the general tone of the novel spiritually, which is so incredible in a kinky get-together fic. I literally cannot EXPRESS how perfect this fic is. The writing is beautiful. The sex is kinda fade-to-black but gorgeously written and I actually love a well-balanced fade to black. It's perfect. It's SO good.

I wrote Sophie and the Saga of Avoiding the Queen's Speech, which is Howl's Moving Castle fic and my first work in this fandom. I had a bit of a rough time writing it, but I figure I'd have had an easier time if I reread HMC first... Being Welsh of course I wanted to do something that focused on Howl being Welsh too, so, what else would I do except a fic about Howl trying Very hard to watch the rugby, and Sophie getting very irritated with him. Hopefully it's funny. There's no warnings for this one except Sophie almost falls out of a window and I barely know how rugby works. Or installing televisions. But anyway.

I'm really looking forward to next Yuletide, and I was hoping to maybe contribute something to the NWR collection but I really don't know if I'm gonna have time...

Next time though I think I'm going to nominate some things and Actually Reread My Sources.

I've made a lot of progress on the star quilt this week. I finished piecing the top a few weeks ago, and then it just languished on my pile because I didn't know how to approach the stage of putting the borders on. I was going to cut with a rotary cutter (which requires a mat and cutter, and then machine sew them on. That ended up being just Too Many hurdles for me to get over, because of a variety of reasons related to it being mum's sewing machine, the sewing room being my dad's office, and the fact that I am Scared of the sewing machine.

But, I have sworn solemnly not to make another quilt until I have made a dent in my pile of three things. One of them is a little mat that needs finished quilting and the binding sewing on. I hate this project now because it looks so ugly and messy, but I don't want to give it up fully because it started me on paper piecing and it deserves better. The other is a quilt top that is one-third pieced. I was so sick of feeling frozen in my projects on Sunday night that on Monday morning I took the day off work (I freelance), drew borders with a fabric pencil and a ruler, cut with scissors, and then sewed them on by hand. 

I managed the borders for the front on Monday, and the borders on the back on Tuesday afternoon. I didn't do anything that fancy; I folded my seam allowance over, measured it at intervals to make sure it was about right, clipped it in place, finger pressed it, basted the seam allowance down so it was stable, and then whip-stitched it on. The borders for the back I did the same way, except I pinned rather than basted. I didn't see any difference in result, but I think the basting is more secure if you're not doing it in one job lot like I did.

I have batting to come, and some needles and suchlike, and this morning I got so full of itchiness to quilt that I decided I would cut my binding strips and sew them into a Long Binding Piece. I did do that with a rotary cutter and mat because my parents are out and there was no-one to Judge Me Doing It Wrong...which maybe there should have been, because I did do it wrong. I folded it the wrong way and ended up cutting twice as many as I expected. However! I had also under calculated how much binding I needed, so while I did cut ten strips, I ended up needing six to be safe, so it wasn't too bad. I think I could have got away with my five, but I wanted to make sure I had more than enough. The extra strips are also wide enough to use in paper piecing at the scale I prefer to use, so it's annoying but it won't be wasted.

I sewed the binding strips together on the diagonal, by hand, with a running back-stitch seam (which is a running stitch seam with the odd back-stitch for strength). It was pretty quick and I managed to stick to the line I drew rather than going everywhere, so that's good.

I think Keats thinks I'm pretty bonkers for wanting to attach the binding to the quilt by hand. I do, too, kind of, but I really enjoyed sewing the borders (though I DO need to get up and walk around every so often rather than sit and sew for four hours). I just want to know if I can do it, to be honest.

I've also been practicing my utility quilting for when the batting gets here and I can quilt the quilt. Utility quilting is basically where you use a thick thread and bigger stitches to quilt, rather than the super tiny stitches you use traditionally. You can use different types of stitches, but the most common is also called big stitch quilting, which is just running stitch but big. That's what I was doing on my little bane-of-my-life mat, and I hate it, so I definitely didn't want to be doing that. Instead, I borrowed from evequilts on instagram (@evequilts77) and her post about different utility quilting stitches.

I did some stars that I came up with on my own, but they're very clumsy. I love the Mennonite Tacks, the ones that look like little swords, and unexpectedly Really enjoyed the crowsfoot stitches (the arrows). The picture is them on a piece of the border fabric, far more densely packed than I'm actually going to sew them, but anyway!

In other news, when I was looking at handsewing seams, I ended up in medieval reenactment corners of the internet, because apparently very few quilting blogs actually do things completely by hand. Which I get, but which means that I'm not really interested. Medieval reenactment was something I was Hugely into about seven years ago - I think it was about the same time I was really into Lord of The Rings?? At that time I was much more into embroidery, though, and I Tried to make a Rohirrim tapestry and lost interest when I realised how much work it was going to be!

Anyway, so now I'm a Little Bit back in my medieval reenactment phase, and I've ended up with a few goals based on that. The ones that are relevent right now are that I want to get really good at sewing seams by hand, which the quilt will help with. I also want to get smoother and more even with decorative stitches, which the utility quilting will help with!

Other things are that I want to get used to sewing with a thimble, because I Have made a hole in my finger before now by sewing bare-handed. I can't get along with metal thimbles for the life of me, so I've bought a couple of types of leather thimble which hopefully will soothe my currently medieval soul and make me more invested in sticking with them. I want to have a couple different types of seam in my repertoire, but I think that would take a while. I also REALLY want to try herringbone stitch again as an insertion stitch. I'd like, if this mood sticks, to make a simple chemise. I already have an idea for how to do insertions in it. My last and much bigger project that I would love to do is actually based on something that my mum made me once for a christmas party. It was always a historically themed party, for a club I was in as a kid, and I think the outfit may have been for a gender-swapped Man In The Iron Mask? It could have been a different one. Anyway, It was a light yellow skirt and matching stays/bodice (absolutely not boned in the slightest, think sort of 16th c costume), and a white chemise under. Lately, for no apparent reason (maybe because of Mary in Ghosts??), I've been really missing this bodice. I only wore it once or twice but I wish I'd kept it, even though there's no way it would fit me some fifteen years later. I'd really like to made a hand-sewn, more historically accurate version. That's definitely for the future, though. I always think ahead too far, but I wanna make a record of my goals so I can look back later and maybe keep on track this time!

So, I have a difficult bit of my PhD I'm struggling with. I have the thing written, but I feel like I rush it and use too much jargon without pausing to explore what I mean. So, because I'm a hellion, I'm going to explain it to the black void of dreamwidth where my friends live, because I need to be talking At someone to process this.

Point 1: William Sharp found that his physical body and looks were seen at odds with the literature he was producing
Point 2: His texts are read alongside his body. William Sharp, the presence in everyone's literary circles, is a known person, and his intentions have often been misread because of his physical existence. There are certain expectations on him because of that embodiment. He cannot escape censure for his texts, because he is accessible (if you hate his poem and think he's too obsessed with sex, you can go to his club and tell him so).
Point 3: Fiona Macleod's very name and persona are in complete harmony with the literature she produces
Point 4: William Sharp can express himself within a controlled intimate space among friends (this is an epistolary space, created by letters to and from friends. In private writings, taking place in established relationships, Sharp's body is far less a "part" of his texts than more public writings)
Point 5: As Macleod lacks a physical body (theoretically speaking only) she lacks the added mechanism of control we saw in Point 2.
Point 6: All Macleod's texts thus take on an intimacy such as we see in Point 4. As she only exists in text, there is no body behind the text to be read or censured. Macleod has a flexibility that Sharp does not.
Point 7: Macleod's self-construction can only exist in text and exclusively relies on text.
Point 8: Sharp is constrained by text, because there is a sense in which it is controlled by or read through his physical body.
Point 9: Lacking that body, Macleod is freed by text.

This is what I'm calling paratextual (that is, not In the text but Around the text - it's usually used of covers, typefaces, paper quality, etc. The stuff that is not In the text but influences the text however subtly) bodies.

I've started to sink back into good gender again. Pretty much all through lockdown/since I got back to my parents from living at Keats', I've felt really detached from euphoric things. Except for dinosaurs and being called a sweet boy. But anyway.

Then I was thinking about Christopher Chant because of Yuletide, and I started to feel more myself again. I haven't been able to wear affirming clothes especially, but I've been really feeling and living my boyness more strongly the past few days. I made a joke about my middle name last night, like "generosity is my middle name", and Keats said "no, it's Thomas", and I melted. Today I keep going on Darcy Clothing's website and thinking of shirts and suits and collar studs, and I feel so, rooted and real. Not a normal-person amount, but better than I have.

I've also been thinking more about "The John Addington Symonds Who Lives In My Head", or, the gender affirming mostly-joking concept that the inside of my head is a victorian townhouse with a parlour connecting my brain and JAS's brain. Wherein I drive him bonkers by asking questions about queer sex on the mirror in lipstick. It's silly and ridiculous but it's a concept growing out of the idea that I feel more of a Victorian man than a modern one, mixed with some semi-joking semi-not past life stuff. It's a silly concept. But it makes me feel happy, and thinking of it brings me back to myself.

Dear Yuletide Writer,

Hello! I hope you find something on here that inspires you; thank you SO much for volunteering to write a story! This is my first time doing yuletide so I hope I’m doing this right!

General likes: I like poetic, gentle stories, character studies, slice-of-lifes, and tenderness. That doesn’t mean everyone always has to be sweet and gentle or whatever (in fact I like difficulty and bitterness!) I just like things that end well and where you can tell people like and care for each other. (At the moment I’ve been stuck on stories where, even if you fuck up, it’s okay. You still deserve love and care.) I like bittersweet love stories, queer love stories, queerplatonic relationships, deep friendships, found family, and healing from trauma. I like trans characters, queer characters, neurodivergent characters, bitter people who love and are loved but don’t lose their sharpness, kind people who reach breaking point (so long as they have a happy ending), people dealing with trauma, people loving others even when it’s hard. I like slash, especially more queerplatonic sorts of slash.

General dislikes: Really shmoopy romantic stories, bashing of characters, unhappy endings, focus on noncanonical straight relationships, embarrassment.

Triggers: Illness, death from illness.

M or E-rated stories are great if you’re drawn that way, but not necessary at all.

Sex-related Good Things: Rough sex, oral, bondage, power exchange, biting, slapping, choking, consensual non-consent.

Sex-related DNWs: Watersports, scat, super romantic sex.

 

Ghosts (TV 2019)

Requested Character(s): Kitty

I really love the found family dynamic in Ghosts. It makes my little aromantic heart happy to see friendship treated this nicely and powerfully. I love the darker elements to Ghosts and the possibility that they all had traumatic backgrounds or deaths, but I like how the emphasis is always on friendship and healing and care.

I love Kitty because of her softness and gentleness, especially contrasted against canon’s implication that she had a traumatic upbringing and her occasional moments of sharpness. I’d love to see her less fluffy emotions and her relationship with the other characters, especially the Captain, explored. I tend to headcanon Kitty as having ADHD and if you’re able to include that that that would be wonderful.

Specific DNW: Romantic shipping between the ghosts, focus on illness (it's okay if you think Kitty died from an illness and want to include that, but background/passing mention only please)

 

Alan Grant Series (Josephine Tey)

Requested Character(s): Alan Grant

I really enjoy the sort of…gentlemanly, Hollywood-esque elements to Grant and how even when Tey was writing, he wasn’t your Usual Type of Detective. I like his friendships with women, and the unusualness of those relationships. I like the especially character study elements of Tey’s writing about him.

Note: My favourite of the books are The Man in the Queue and The Daughter of Time, and his cameo in The Franchise Affair, so if you’re able to focus on those that would be wonderful. I also ship him with Lamont from The Man In The Queue, but I don't want to control your direction if you're not into that!

Specific DNW: Straight Grant (any stripe of queer, including trans Grant, is fine), illness.

 

The Chronicles of Chrestomanci (Diana Wynne Jones)

Requested Character(s): Christopher Chant, Mordecai Roberts | Tacroy (You don't have to include both!)

Found family is a really big thing for me in this one as well! I really really love Christopher, and his relationship with all the kids he ends up accidentally adopting, officially or unofficially. I’m super into the concept of his life when he’s not on cases, and the family life he has. I love Tacroy and his relationship with Christopher, and I wish we’d seen how that developed as Christopher grew up/what it looked like when Christopher was an adult. I love the weird power dynamic between Christopher and Tacroy. I also really adore Christopher’s dandiness.

Notes: I’m perfectly fine with shipping Christopher/Tacroy so long as everyone is an adult/above age of consent (16 in my country).

Specific DNW: Illness.

 

Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell (Susanna Clarke)

Requested Character(s): John Childermass, Gilbert Norrell

I love the Gothicism of canon, and again the found family elements. I love how it explores class and gender and race in this really quiet, subtle way. I love the fact that there are so few Nice characters in this book and how they chafe against each other but still care for one another, and still love each other in their own tangled ways. I love exploring what the Raven King means to Northerners. I ship Childermass/Norrell and their weird power exchange dynamic; I like Norrell/Strange too and Childermass/Norrell/Strange, especially when it’s got sort of mildly antagonistic vibes.

Specific DNW: Romantic John Childermass/John Segundus, illness.

Triggers: I’d really rather you not include Piranesi stuff as that book was a lot for me mentally and I’m still processing.

 

Agatha Christie’s Poirot (TV)

Requested Character(s): Hercule Poirot, Arthur Hastings

Again with the found family! The main advantage the show has over the books/stories for me is the friendship between Hastings, Poirot, Miss Lemon and Japp and how family-ish it is. Casefic is good if that’s what you’re drawn too, so long as it has those good-good found family elements. (I also run the tumblr blog aropoirot, which probably says a lot…)

Specific DNW: Straight Poirot, illness, Poirot’s death.