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brideoffrankenstein) wrote2020-08-03 09:07 am
brideoffrankenstein) wrote2020-08-03 09:07 am
this isn't a pressing issue this is an intrusive thought
I was gonna talk about this the other day but I forgot. I'm sorry for how dark my blog is getting I guess.
I keep thinking about dying, but not really about dying. I'm irrationally convinced and have been for like a month that I'm gonna develop toxic shock (off like.....lint. off a dildo I used a month ago. like a single hair and a bit of fluff or whatever.) and it scares me a lot to think of that. But that's just the silly contradictory thing I wanted to start off with because the main thing really is I keep thinking about suicide. I know I said that my pill seemed to be doing me good and it is I think because I can banish these thoughts easily-ish but it keeps coming back and I wanted to...describe it, somewhere.
I keep thinking of leaving. Not doing anything specific. Just leaving my stuff and walking. Maybe going in front of a van. I think about what might scare my parents. I don't want them to be scared but I want proof that I matter. I keep thinking about getting a certain distance and - if anyone would stop me and try to talk to me. If they'd call the police to take me home. If I'd be taken to hospital. If I'd just - dissolve into the air. If I'd be missed. I shouldn't do it and I wouldn't do it but I keep thinking about it and I can't convince myself I'm necessary, really.
It's not pressing. It's just there, lingering, intruding when I feel An Emotion. I just wish I didn't have to exist. I know I have to sort things out and process my crap and develop as a person beyond all this maladaptivity but it's hard and it hurts and I wish it could be simple.
I keep thinking about dying, but not really about dying. I'm irrationally convinced and have been for like a month that I'm gonna develop toxic shock (off like.....lint. off a dildo I used a month ago. like a single hair and a bit of fluff or whatever.) and it scares me a lot to think of that. But that's just the silly contradictory thing I wanted to start off with because the main thing really is I keep thinking about suicide. I know I said that my pill seemed to be doing me good and it is I think because I can banish these thoughts easily-ish but it keeps coming back and I wanted to...describe it, somewhere.
I keep thinking of leaving. Not doing anything specific. Just leaving my stuff and walking. Maybe going in front of a van. I think about what might scare my parents. I don't want them to be scared but I want proof that I matter. I keep thinking about getting a certain distance and - if anyone would stop me and try to talk to me. If they'd call the police to take me home. If I'd be taken to hospital. If I'd just - dissolve into the air. If I'd be missed. I shouldn't do it and I wouldn't do it but I keep thinking about it and I can't convince myself I'm necessary, really.
It's not pressing. It's just there, lingering, intruding when I feel An Emotion. I just wish I didn't have to exist. I know I have to sort things out and process my crap and develop as a person beyond all this maladaptivity but it's hard and it hurts and I wish it could be simple.